Resolutions

Hey homies,

So it's 2014 now as I'm sure you know. How was your New Year's Eve? Mine consisted of playing Mario Kart with the bf and him falling asleep at 11:30 haha that's fine with me. I'm over the whole party thing I think. Every time I go to the bar now I feel like my mom. For instance, I start saying things like "why's it so hot in here?" or "it's so crowded, I need some space!" So I skipped that New Year's Eve tradition I guess. Another one I skipped was making a New Year's resolution. Well I told PattyCake that I wanted to drink more water but I didn't really make a life changing, hopeful promise to myself that I would do better this year. I'm starting to think that I'm really the best I can be. I mean if something is perfect you don't go changing anything right?

So for this post I started to think of all the things I really could've made my resolution. Even though I say I'm all that and a bag of potato chips I don't really mean it (I try not to eat potato chips; they make me break out). So this is a list of all the things I should probably start doing but am 99.99% likely not to:

1. Stop eating Wendy's. Nope. Not happening. I'd marry Wendy if I met her. And I am not keen on gingers. I just love my JBCs.

2. Play my guitar more often. I went to this job fair in grade 10 or 11 and told everyone there I was being a rockstar when I grew up. I should get that attitude back.

3. Use the lotion I bought in October. You walk into Bath and Body Works once and come out with ten years worth of body lotion and I have only used like 20mls. What a waste.

4. Smile more often. I feel like I look like a dweeb when I smile. You know those girls who just have a beautiful smile and it like lights up the room? Yeah, I don't have one of those. I just have a weird smile. No one has ever complimented my smile :( I wonder if there's somewhere where they teach you how to smile nicely.

5. Make friends. I still haven't really made any friends at college. I got along really well with the people in one of my group projects but we have no classes together now and I don't want to be that one that's in a group once and can't let go.

6. Stop being obsessed with The Little Mermaid. I say this because I just went to Walmart for a binder, razors and a new pillow and came home with Little Mermaid sheets and no binder. But I am so excited to put them on my bed. Like this is the best part of my week.

7. Blog more often. I really have no excuse. I can't even say I have no material because really the voices in my head make everyday entertaining. It's really just pure laziness.

8. Actually write the posts I promise to write. I keep doing this to you guys where I'm like 'yeah next post will include this' or something along those lines and I never follow through. Sorry, I'm human and I'm 97% sure only my mom reads this blog and I tell her all those stories anyways.

9. Drink more water. I seriously go like all day without drinking anything. And then when I get home I have maybe two drinks which isn't close to enough. Especially considering it's usually a coke and a glass of milk.

10. Stop thinking of sharks while swimming. Me and the roomie watched Soul Surfer like two months ago and the last time I went for a swim in our condo's pool I, of course, started to think of it. That was a quick dip for sure.

11. Stop imagining I'm in The Shining while walking to the condo's pool. Okay I have to explain this one a bit. Our condo is made up of multiple hallways with doors at each end and the pool is on the other side of the building from our apartment so I have to walk through almost like a hamster maze to get there. And it's always creepily quiet and then when you do get to the pool it is also quiet as fuck and all you can hear are the pipes in the mechanical room. At least that's what I tell myself the noises are. Maybe it's the shark sleeping.

12. Stop breaking stuff in my car. I now have broken remote start, only defrost setting and a broken headlight. I have no idea why the remote start isn't working. I broke the vent setting thing. It was frozen but I thought it was just being stubborn so I twisted it really hard and snapped something inside. I think my dad broke my headlight. I thought it was just burnt out so I bought new bulbs and he was changing it for me and broke off some piece and it's still not working so he says its probably a connection problem that is not his fault. Thanks a lot, Dad.

Well I think that should be good for this year. I'm not even gonna waste time writing that I'll be working out because we all know that ain't gonna happen. I am still taking the stairs everyday and have one class two buildings away from all my other classes so all that hiking is my workout.

I hope you guys have a great year and haven't given up on your resolutions already!

And look at me, I'm not even gonna tell you what I'll write about next time. One thing down!

May the Force be with you,

RockAwesome

You Want It, You Got It

BUST IT!

I am currently listening to Bust A Move on repeat in order to get in the zone. I recently created a pageviews contest/ strike. I simply went on Facebook and Instagram and stated that I refuse to write a new post until I had so many pageviews. I have finally checked how many pageviews I have and it is over the amount I requested! So thanks for sitting at home and hitting the refresh button, Mom!

I should really be in bed so I'm gonna make this a simple update post to just let y'all know what's up.

1. Rocking it at school, but we all knew I was a genius

2. Still have made no friends but really, no one is good enough

3. Bonsai tree is still alive but I have stopped watering it everyday because my Grandma told me it might be too much love (who knew there was such a thing?)

4. Hogwarts is still playing hard to get

5. Man fell asleep on me on the bus

6. Well he was sick and dozed off and started to lean into me but woke up when I shifted my arm

7. Sorry, sir, I'm taken

8. I've had to take the elevators a few times when I was sick or late

9. I missed a week of school because I had mono :( which I hate telling people because it makes me sound like a slut

10. I was almost a unicorn for Halloween

11. Long story short: I got dressed up in my unicorn costume, got tired, took off costume, went to bed

12. My parents bought a robotic garbage can

13. Ummmmm...

14. That's all I got

15. Good night! More detailed post will come soon!

May the Force be with you!

AshMan

This Blog is all I have in a Busy Cafeteria

Hello! Hello! Off to school we go! 

I am currently sitting in the cafeteria at my new college trying to look too cool for friends by typing away on my phone. Hogwarts still hasn't gotten ahold of me and isn't returning my calls or emails so I decided I would make it jealous by coming to E-town. What am I majoring in? Badassness. 

So I have now quit my jobs and am living in the city. It's alright so far. I'm going to visit home this weekend to see Mr. Gnarles and take Petey back to the mechanic's again since he's being a bitch and blasting unconditioned air. 

I have to take an hour bus ride to school every morning and so far it hasn't been too bad. It's kind of weird though like I feel like I'm late when I'm on it because of all the stopping. I'm sure it would be faster to drive myself but I don't wanna pay for parking or deal with crazy drivers. And I really don't know my way around that well. Last night I went to Wendy's and then did about three circles trying to go home. First I accidentally turned into a parking lot that had its own turning lane. I'm not even embarrassed to admit that, I mean I'm from a small town, I've never seen that shit. Then when I got back on the right track I put myself in the left turning lane instead of just keeping left. I swear my GPS hates me. I'm waiting for it to just start swearing at me for being an idiot. So far no one creepy has sat beside me on the bus. Yesterday there was a lady with a moustache on the bus. Not like a super full grown 'stache but just like a woman with excessive upper lip hair who should probably do something about it. Or maybe share her secret with me so that I can finally become a part of Beardy and Seannanigans' Team Beard. This lady had two little boys with her and they were on their way to daycare. Every time the LRT would go by they would say "bye choo-choo!" which I found rather adorable. But then we were on the next bus waiting for it to leave the station and the LRT was loading people at their station across the street and I had to listen to "bye choo-choo" repeatedly for five minutes. Mustache tried to tell them that was enough but I guess they didn't agree. Pretty risky, whenever a mustache tells me to do something I do it. If the bus had left a minute later I would've been yelling "LEAVE CHOO-CHOO, LEAVE!!"

While here at college I'm really hoping to find myself. I've always thought it would be impossible since I think I've already lost a great portion of my mind. Not The Great Portion but a rather large portion. I did, however, manage to find out something about myself; I hate elevators. Living in a population of 7000 the only real elevators we have are in hotels or the hospital and since I rarely enter either I don't ride them very often. I've gone on the ones in west Ed but its only one floor difference. The ones in my college go up to the 7th floor of my program building and scare the shit out of me. I have gone in them I think three times and every time I have to hold onto the rail at the back and I sort of run through the doors. I don't like the dropping feeling whenever it starts or stops and I also have an image in my head of the doors closing while I'm going through them. This is why I took the stairs this morning all the way up to my 7th floor class. There's two flights of stairs per floor so after 14 I'm pretty sure the entire building could hear my heartbeat. But I mean exercise is good. I'm really determined to not gain 'The Freshman Fifteen' and have only been to Wendy's once...since yesterday :p

In my classes yesterday we had to do that thing where you say your name and something interesting about yourself. I fucking hate that. Like honestly I don't give a shit what you did this summer, I don't even know you. And everything someone says to try to be interesting isn't. Like even I forget all the interesting things about myself when put on the spot. Like my best friend is a 3 foot gnome, my favourite animal is the unicorn, my favourite color is sparkles, I'm a wizard, I love Wendy's, I drive a lemon car, I'm a lifeguard therefore mermaid and I bought a bonsai tree and its super badass and hasn't died yet, Dad, even though you said it would. Like if I said all that everyone would scooch their chairs to the opposite side of the classroom. Because that much awesomeness is really hard for most people to handle. 

I actually am taking really good care of my bonsai tree. I water it every morning and put it out on the patio for sunlight and then bring it in at night. It's even growing new leaves because it just loves me so much. 

Not sure if you guys have noticed this about me but I love things that are either miniature or gigantic (she said half of that ;) ) and I give inanimate objects personalities (watched Toy Story one too many times). See, not only am I finding myself but I'm also helping you find me. 

I better get going though. I have my last class in half an hour and have to climb the stairs. 

Have fun at school, nerds! 

May the Force be with you! 

-Rock Mutha Fuckin Awesome

(Feeling confident today, I am) 

My Ex Got SnapChat

Hello all my magical people!!!

I firstly need to apologize for how long it's been. I have been going through a lot in my personal life including getting ready for college and working my butt off to afford to not work my butt off while at college.  I have also been dealing with a pretty dramatic breakup that my friends are all tired of hearing about. So I'm going to tell my readers about it.

Actually I'm not going to open up to all the things that happened because honestly it's none of your beeswax. But I am going to say that we ended things because I'm just too awesome to handle ;)

Actually he was kind of an asshole.

Anyways, I just found out that he now has SnapChat. "What is SnapChat?" some of you old farts might ask. Well it is an app you can download on your smartphone to send pictures to your friends. I actually went to the app store to find how they define SnapChat to explain it to you;

"Snap a photo or a video, add a caption, and send it to a friend (or maybe a few). They'll view it, laugh, and then the snap disappears from the screen-unless your friend takes a screenshot!"

So it's pretty much my Me-Memes but they made it into an app. My friends and I use it all the time. PattyStabs is like the queen of SnapChat. We don't even text anymore, we just SnapChat. I wanted to add some examples so that you can really get the idea of it.

 

These are just a couple random ones that I saved onto my phone. They only give you one line for a caption so sometimes you have to get creative and send a series of photos so that you can fit your whole sentence in.

So when I saw that Asshead now has SnapChat I started to think of all the Snaps I could send him. Now I'm not gonna be that psycho ex-girlfriend and actually send them to him but I thought that they were pretty blog-worthy, especially since he doesn't know of this little ol' blog.

 I took the photos on my laptop so I'll just write the captions underneath.

 "Writing songs about how much I hate you!"

 "Hanging out with my new bf!"

"Think I left my hairbrush at your house..."

"I WANT MY HAIRBRUSH BACK!"

"Wish you were here!"

"Oops, wrong person!"

"Wish you were dead."

"GUESS WHAT!?!"

 "You Suck."

"Miss me yet?"

"Yeah you do!"

Haha, I just love em. I was having so much fun taking pictures with Gnarles Barkley that I wanted to upload some extras for you guys. We just look so cute together! <3

 Best Friends!

Rock on, rockers.

Gonna be the best post EVER!!

Suck on that, suckers.

I think that pretty much wraps up this post. And just be warned, you mess with me and I'll mess you up and write mean blogs about you. I'm pretty much Taylor Swift.

May the Force be with you!

But not you, Asshead, you wish the Force was with you.

-Ashlynn and Gnarly

Home Alone All Day

Clumsy

Hey skanks,

I know it's been forever. I've been busy, okay? I was temporarily promoted at the theatre while they looked for a new manager and have been covering shifts like crazy at the pool since it's flu season and there's a few people on vacation. And honestly, none of you are paying me to entertain you so I gotta rake in some dough somehow. So unless you start sending me cheques, you can stop harassing me about how badly you want me to put up another post.

For New Year's Eve the total votes I received as comments and text messages equalled out to be a tie so I wore something completely different haha. I promise to post a picture soon. Actually I owe you guys a couple photos, I'll soon make a post with all promised pictures! I just haven't had time to put on my hot girl disguise and get Melaney to help with a photo shoot.

What I wanted to talk to ya'll about today is the most embarrassing moment of my life. On January 27th, it was Coke's 18th birthday. We decided to go out the Saturday at midnight so it was technically Sunday and had some blue raspberry vodka with sprite before we left to go to the Boston Pizza lounge. When Big Poppa dropped us off at the lounge I was already a tinsy bit tipsy. We got a couple more drinks and then Lulu and P-Douche came to play pool so we moved to a booth at the back of the lounge close to the pool tables. The thing about the back booths is that they are a step up from the floor. They are the only booths in the entire place like that, too! So while you're sitting there you are looking at all these floor-level booths. These older guys came and sat beside us too and kept sending us drinks. I was trying to avoid any contact with them so that they wouldn't think I was interested. Blondie was coming to pick us up and take us to Da Club and when she texted to say she was outside I still had to drink half of the second drink they had sent over. It was about my 6th drink that night and when I chugged the rest of it, it made me feel a little woozie for a minute. And then it was time to get out of the booth and leave for Da Club. I was still trying to avoid eye contact and was looking straight ahead as I got out of the booth behind Coke. And then BAM! Next thing you know, I'm on my knees, have no idea what just happened and the guys are all laughing and saying I'm cut off. I had took one big step out of the booth, forgetting that it was a step up from the floor. It's one of those things where you just look soo wasted but im 90% sure that that was something I would have done sober too. I mean, I am super clumsy. I have no coordination. The one day, Coke and I were at Dollarama and as we were leaving she saw something and said "Ash! Look!" I turned around to see what she was talking about and as I did so, I bumped a stand with bags of chips being displayed and knocked three of them off. Coke then said "let's just go" with a laugh as I picked the bags up and put them back. Then we were in the city and I hit the leg of a small table with my foot by accident in one of the stores. Just little things like that, all the time. Yesterday I was walking out of the bathroom I had just cleaned at the pool and ran my side into the door frame. I should just be covered in bubble wrap all the time. After the incident at BP's my foot was black and blue and swollen for almost two weeks. To this day, the muscles still haven't completely healed. After working all day I would come home and my ankle would be a cankle. Big Poppa said I had "Elephantitis"which I thought he was just making up to be a douche but it's an actual thing.

When I got home from Coke's birthday I also managed to drop my phone down the stairs which caused the battery to break out of it and I had to get a new one on Monday. But I upgraded to the iPhone 5 so I can't be too upset. My parents think I threw my phone on purpose because I had been complaining about it being slow lately but I assured them that I would have waited closer to pay day if that were the case. And I lost everything off of my old phone! My pictures, my memes, my notes, my SUPA PLAYLIST! It sucked!

Ever since Coke became legal we have been quite the bar stars though. We went to a country crawl in Edmonton with our friends at the beginning of February which was fun. We can't two-step very well though. Seannanigans did not fail to point this out to me and told me I had to practice before he would dance with me again. :( I don't know who died and made him king of the country clubs. All I know is that I look darn cute in a cowboy hat ;)

I think that about wraps up this post. I promise to blog a bit more often now. I will have a couple videos being posted soon as well so stay tuned!

Peace and Love  I don't think I can pull that off...

May the Force be with You!!!  

Merry Christmas, ya Filthy Animal!

Yo yo yo! Sorry I've been away so long. I've been busy under the mistletoe!

While I was busy not blogging, I became a rapper. Just kitten! I've always been a rapper. Okay, let's get serious. How was your Christmas? Mine was just dandy. All I asked for was a vacation but my parents said no, sadface, so I said I wasn't doing Christmas this year. As in, I wasn't buying gifts and I didn't want any. Because as every year goes by my family members want less and less and I need less and less so it's just a pain in the patooty to walk around the mall for hours and spend hundreds of dollars on stuff people don't even really want. I donated operation Christmas Child shoeboxes and called 'er good.

But Melaney said it wasn't good enough! Well, she said that everyone was going to get me gifts so I was going to feel bad if I didn't give anything. So I decided that Gnarly and I would give our own special gifts. I recruited Coke as photographer and we took some amazing shots. I then went through the brutal process of printing and cutting the photos and putting them into photo snow globes from Walmart. This process was brutal because the snow globes don't say what size of photo is needed and so we just printed off 4x6's and were going to trim off the excess but they were still too big considering the photos needed to be 2x3. The Walmart photo centre doesn't print 2x3's though so I had to send the pictures to a local printshop. It was so much effort for my silly little no-thought gift. They did turn out good though and my family members loved them. These are the photos we used;

 This is my absolute favorite one. I'm gonna put a copy in a frame haha. It was hard for me to climb up the hill in my boots because they have no grip. I did five face-plants each time and ended up having to crawl to the top.

 Not sure if anyone noticed how ballin' I look in my unicorn toque. Or how adorable Gnarles looks covered in snow. I had to put him in the bath tub after this and dry him with a blow dryer.

 This one is supposed to say "Gnarly! We're supposed to wrap the presents, not ourselves!" I love this kitty wrapping paper too haha totes adorbs!

 This is our fake mistletoe shot. I call it fake because we couldn't find mistletoe anywhere! We ended up just using this holly-looking stuff which worked fine.

A pretty successful Christmas, if I say so myself. I also turned 18 on the 21st which was as we say, Rock Awesome! The world didn't end and I was finally let into da club. I always call it "da club" haha even though it's a pretty sad excuse for a "nightclub". Before we went to da club we had a pre-party at my friend's, Franklin's house. The pre-party was a surprise and I had just been sitting at my house doing nothing and Coke wasn't texting me back and I was super mad and then Blondie was like just come chill with me at Franklin's! So I go there and I'm taking off my coat, just about to say 'wtf is with Coke?' when Blondie and PattyStabs are like come into the kitchen and then Coke, Beardy, ShanMan, Schmidthead,  and Lulu all popped out. Seannanigans was there too but he did not 'pop' haha. I had to call my mom and Beetyke because we had all been bad-mouthing Coke. I was presented with the best birthday cake I've ever had too.

Everyone was like 'you spelt it wrong' to Coke and she was like 'ugh it's from the first movie, dumbass.'

My brother got me Star Wars footy pajamas that I have yet to take a picture of. Next blog post, I'll upload one. Sorry, no butt flap though :(
Beardy bought me new Toms. They are white with silver leopard print and are super nice. I'll take a picture of them too.
My Aunt bought me the movie Pitch Perfect and I've watched it like, no joke, 50 times.
Seannanigans didn't get me anything; douche. haha

And now, lovely readers, I must ask for your help. I need you to help decide which dress I should wear on New Year's Eve. Please comment on this post and say either silver or black because I suck at making decisions. I am totally comfortable wearing either one and I turn to you guys because I keep just trying each one on and dancing around my room, which is fun, yes, but doesn't help with making my choice. Make your votes fast because New Year's Eve is only a couple days away! I'll count the votes on the 31st when I get off work around 5.

All votes are appreciated! I feel like each dress holds a different fate and I am putting that fate into your hands. You could determine how my 2013 goes. You could determine the rest of my life. No pressure!!

Thanks for your help!
May the Force be with you!!

-Ace