Clumsy

Hey skanks,

I know it's been forever. I've been busy, okay? I was temporarily promoted at the theatre while they looked for a new manager and have been covering shifts like crazy at the pool since it's flu season and there's a few people on vacation. And honestly, none of you are paying me to entertain you so I gotta rake in some dough somehow. So unless you start sending me cheques, you can stop harassing me about how badly you want me to put up another post.

For New Year's Eve the total votes I received as comments and text messages equalled out to be a tie so I wore something completely different haha. I promise to post a picture soon. Actually I owe you guys a couple photos, I'll soon make a post with all promised pictures! I just haven't had time to put on my hot girl disguise and get Melaney to help with a photo shoot.

What I wanted to talk to ya'll about today is the most embarrassing moment of my life. On January 27th, it was Coke's 18th birthday. We decided to go out the Saturday at midnight so it was technically Sunday and had some blue raspberry vodka with sprite before we left to go to the Boston Pizza lounge. When Big Poppa dropped us off at the lounge I was already a tinsy bit tipsy. We got a couple more drinks and then Lulu and P-Douche came to play pool so we moved to a booth at the back of the lounge close to the pool tables. The thing about the back booths is that they are a step up from the floor. They are the only booths in the entire place like that, too! So while you're sitting there you are looking at all these floor-level booths. These older guys came and sat beside us too and kept sending us drinks. I was trying to avoid any contact with them so that they wouldn't think I was interested. Blondie was coming to pick us up and take us to Da Club and when she texted to say she was outside I still had to drink half of the second drink they had sent over. It was about my 6th drink that night and when I chugged the rest of it, it made me feel a little woozie for a minute. And then it was time to get out of the booth and leave for Da Club. I was still trying to avoid eye contact and was looking straight ahead as I got out of the booth behind Coke. And then BAM! Next thing you know, I'm on my knees, have no idea what just happened and the guys are all laughing and saying I'm cut off. I had took one big step out of the booth, forgetting that it was a step up from the floor. It's one of those things where you just look soo wasted but im 90% sure that that was something I would have done sober too. I mean, I am super clumsy. I have no coordination. The one day, Coke and I were at Dollarama and as we were leaving she saw something and said "Ash! Look!" I turned around to see what she was talking about and as I did so, I bumped a stand with bags of chips being displayed and knocked three of them off. Coke then said "let's just go" with a laugh as I picked the bags up and put them back. Then we were in the city and I hit the leg of a small table with my foot by accident in one of the stores. Just little things like that, all the time. Yesterday I was walking out of the bathroom I had just cleaned at the pool and ran my side into the door frame. I should just be covered in bubble wrap all the time. After the incident at BP's my foot was black and blue and swollen for almost two weeks. To this day, the muscles still haven't completely healed. After working all day I would come home and my ankle would be a cankle. Big Poppa said I had "Elephantitis"which I thought he was just making up to be a douche but it's an actual thing.

When I got home from Coke's birthday I also managed to drop my phone down the stairs which caused the battery to break out of it and I had to get a new one on Monday. But I upgraded to the iPhone 5 so I can't be too upset. My parents think I threw my phone on purpose because I had been complaining about it being slow lately but I assured them that I would have waited closer to pay day if that were the case. And I lost everything off of my old phone! My pictures, my memes, my notes, my SUPA PLAYLIST! It sucked!

Ever since Coke became legal we have been quite the bar stars though. We went to a country crawl in Edmonton with our friends at the beginning of February which was fun. We can't two-step very well though. Seannanigans did not fail to point this out to me and told me I had to practice before he would dance with me again. :( I don't know who died and made him king of the country clubs. All I know is that I look darn cute in a cowboy hat ;)

I think that about wraps up this post. I promise to blog a bit more often now. I will have a couple videos being posted soon as well so stay tuned!

Peace and Love  I don't think I can pull that off...

May the Force be with You!!!  

Merry Christmas, ya Filthy Animal!

Yo yo yo! Sorry I've been away so long. I've been busy under the mistletoe!

While I was busy not blogging, I became a rapper. Just kitten! I've always been a rapper. Okay, let's get serious. How was your Christmas? Mine was just dandy. All I asked for was a vacation but my parents said no, sadface, so I said I wasn't doing Christmas this year. As in, I wasn't buying gifts and I didn't want any. Because as every year goes by my family members want less and less and I need less and less so it's just a pain in the patooty to walk around the mall for hours and spend hundreds of dollars on stuff people don't even really want. I donated operation Christmas Child shoeboxes and called 'er good.

But Melaney said it wasn't good enough! Well, she said that everyone was going to get me gifts so I was going to feel bad if I didn't give anything. So I decided that Gnarly and I would give our own special gifts. I recruited Coke as photographer and we took some amazing shots. I then went through the brutal process of printing and cutting the photos and putting them into photo snow globes from Walmart. This process was brutal because the snow globes don't say what size of photo is needed and so we just printed off 4x6's and were going to trim off the excess but they were still too big considering the photos needed to be 2x3. The Walmart photo centre doesn't print 2x3's though so I had to send the pictures to a local printshop. It was so much effort for my silly little no-thought gift. They did turn out good though and my family members loved them. These are the photos we used;

 This is my absolute favorite one. I'm gonna put a copy in a frame haha. It was hard for me to climb up the hill in my boots because they have no grip. I did five face-plants each time and ended up having to crawl to the top.

 Not sure if anyone noticed how ballin' I look in my unicorn toque. Or how adorable Gnarles looks covered in snow. I had to put him in the bath tub after this and dry him with a blow dryer.

 This one is supposed to say "Gnarly! We're supposed to wrap the presents, not ourselves!" I love this kitty wrapping paper too haha totes adorbs!

 This is our fake mistletoe shot. I call it fake because we couldn't find mistletoe anywhere! We ended up just using this holly-looking stuff which worked fine.

A pretty successful Christmas, if I say so myself. I also turned 18 on the 21st which was as we say, Rock Awesome! The world didn't end and I was finally let into da club. I always call it "da club" haha even though it's a pretty sad excuse for a "nightclub". Before we went to da club we had a pre-party at my friend's, Franklin's house. The pre-party was a surprise and I had just been sitting at my house doing nothing and Coke wasn't texting me back and I was super mad and then Blondie was like just come chill with me at Franklin's! So I go there and I'm taking off my coat, just about to say 'wtf is with Coke?' when Blondie and PattyStabs are like come into the kitchen and then Coke, Beardy, ShanMan, Schmidthead,  and Lulu all popped out. Seannanigans was there too but he did not 'pop' haha. I had to call my mom and Beetyke because we had all been bad-mouthing Coke. I was presented with the best birthday cake I've ever had too.

Everyone was like 'you spelt it wrong' to Coke and she was like 'ugh it's from the first movie, dumbass.'

My brother got me Star Wars footy pajamas that I have yet to take a picture of. Next blog post, I'll upload one. Sorry, no butt flap though :(
Beardy bought me new Toms. They are white with silver leopard print and are super nice. I'll take a picture of them too.
My Aunt bought me the movie Pitch Perfect and I've watched it like, no joke, 50 times.
Seannanigans didn't get me anything; douche. haha

And now, lovely readers, I must ask for your help. I need you to help decide which dress I should wear on New Year's Eve. Please comment on this post and say either silver or black because I suck at making decisions. I am totally comfortable wearing either one and I turn to you guys because I keep just trying each one on and dancing around my room, which is fun, yes, but doesn't help with making my choice. Make your votes fast because New Year's Eve is only a couple days away! I'll count the votes on the 31st when I get off work around 5.

All votes are appreciated! I feel like each dress holds a different fate and I am putting that fate into your hands. You could determine how my 2013 goes. You could determine the rest of my life. No pressure!!

Thanks for your help!
May the Force be with you!!

-Ace

May the Floss be with you!

I know what you're thinking; 'Oh thank Lord Jebus! She's still alive!!'. Yes, I am still here and still Rock Awesome. I haven't blogged in a while because it is a part of my plan. You see, everyday that I don't blog I still have you crazy readers checking to see if I have blogged. So while I am busy raking in dough at my two part-time jobs, I am also increasing my pageviews rapidly. Haha! There is a method to my madness!

So what's up? Not too much with me. I bought a new toothbrush! This was quite exciting for me. When Beardy used to work at the drugstore he phoned me at like 9:30 PM and said that he bought me a present. I was so excited that I ran out to meet him at the driveway and he handed me a bag with a toothbrush in it. Now, I know that sounds weird. Like some of you are probably thinking I've never had a toothbrush before or that my breath stinks and Beardy was trying to tell me something but that is not the case. I have very pearly whites. The exciting thing about this toothbrush is that it was a Star Wars toothbrush and it lit up and flashed like a lightsaber!!!!!!!!!!!! It was the coolest toothbrush I've ever owned. This meant that I could brush my teeth in the dark!!! I was so excited that the next day I went to brush and I flicked the lights off. This would have worked better if I wasn't half crazy and didn't have multiple voices in my head. This is how the conversation in my head sounded:

Normal Ashlynn: Oh my god, brushing my teeth with no lights on! But I can still see cause my tooth brush is really a light saber.

Psycho Ashlynn: Isn't this how you're supposed to do Bloody Mary? With the lights off, in front of the mirror?

Normal Ashlynn: Ahh! Okay forget that, I'm brushing my teeth in the dark and it's super awesome. This is how Jedis brush their teeth.

Pyscho Ashlynn: Just say it three times and spin around.

Normal Ashlynn: Don't listen to her. She's Darth Vader, you're Luke Skywalker. Don't go to the dark side.

Psycho Ashlynn: Bloody Mary.

Normal Ashlynn: LA LA LA LA LA can't hear you over my super awesome teethbrushing!

Psycho Ashlynn: Bloody Mary.

Normal Ashlynn: Stop! Just stop thinking about it!

Pyscho Ashlynn: Bloody Mary.

Normal Ashlynn: I will turn these lights back on.

Psycho Ashlynn: Bloody Mary! Bloody Mary! Bloody Mary! Bloody Mary! Bloody Mary!

Normal Ashlynn: Ahhhh! *flicks lights on*

And that was the end of brushing my teeth in the dark. It really sucks when I ruin things for myself. After that toothbrush pretty much wore out I bought another Star Wars toothbrush from the drugstore but this one didn't light up. It just had Yoda on it. And then I finally wore out that toothbrush so I bought a grown up toothbrush from walmart the other day. It's an electric one with a tongue brusher and everything. The thing about this toothbrush is that I've been using kids toothbrushes for a while now and this one is an adult's so it's almost hurting my mouth with those little scrubber things. The head of it is twice the size of the Star Wars ones so I have to kind of stretch my jaw out. Does this sound dirty? A little bit, hey? You perverts. I'm just talking about oral hygiene here.

So yeah, that's really all I have to say... I hope you guys brush your teeth often. Don't worry about flossing though, I don't and I'm fine.

May the Floss be with you!

Water Noggins

I realize I haven't blogged in quite a while now and I apologize. I'm sorry that your own lives are so super lame that you look to my utterly boring one for entertainment. All I've been doing is working...and watching Glee. We just finished the third season, where most of them graduate. I will admit, I found this graduation more meaningful than my own. I didn't even feel sad at my own graduation but I was on the verge of tears during this episode. Since all I've been doing is working lately I've decided I will tell you about it.

Part of my job at the pool is to teach swimming lessons. I don't mind it most of the time as long as I'm not teaching level 1 or level 2. Why? Because you always get that one kid who is afraid of water and ruins your whole lesson plan. Any parents reading this, please take your kids swimming before they start going into swimming lessons and throw them in a couple times so that they learn they aren't going to die every time their face gets splashed. The urge to dunk kids under is one I often find myself fighting. The best part about teaching kids is that they say the darned-est things sometimes.

On PFD day we ask the kids who should wear a lifejacket. I always say "Should mom wear a lifejacket?" and they yell "YES!" and then I say "Should dad wear a lifejacket?" and normally they say "YES!" but with my one class this boy said "my dad died from smoking." ... ooh awkward ... He said it in such a matter-of-fact voice I had no idea how to respond. I finally just said "if he were here would he wear a lifejacket?" and he said "YES!" phew!

One of the games we play is Simon Says. I mostly use this as a time-waster game. In one of my preschool classes I said "okay, lets do a game of Simon Says before hot tub!" and then this boy starts spouting out instructions. He was like "Okay! Put your ear in! Jump up and down! Spin around!" I was just staring at him like whaaa? I had no idea why his whole face lit up when I suggested the game either. And then I remembered, his name was Simon.

The other day I was teaching a level 5/6/7 and I was getting in the water with them about 2/3rds through the lesson. As I slipped into the water, one girl said "what are you gonna do? Are you gonna drown us?" I was like "yeah I'm gonna push you under." And she said "really?" I wanted to be like what the hell is wrong with you? Do you not know what a lifeguard does? It is the complete opposite of drowning people! I was like "NO!"

I am normally alright dealing with kids but in some situations I find myself wondering what the fuck they want me to do. For instance, I once had a girl knock on the office door and tell me that her tooth was loose. She was probably 9 or 10 and so I said is it bleeding or anything? And she said no. I had to fight back the words, 'then why the hell are you in the doorway stealing away from my cake-eating time?' I asked if she wanted me to rip it out and she was like NO! So I said well you can either go swim or I'll go get the pliers. She looked rather appalled but like I said wtf do you want me to do about it? She walked into the girl's change room and I went back to my seat in the office. Not even two minutes later the girl has come through the change room to the front counter holding her tooth in her hand with blood on her fingers. One of the older lifeguards yelled "can somebody grab a sandwich baggy?" And I looked to see her standing there. I said "you actually pulled it out?" And she said "you told me to!" This caused my coworkers to look at me in a way that said 'how could you?' And a voice in my head said "Ashlynn, you've got some 'splainin to do!" I would like to point out that she got five bucks for that tooth and refused to give me any sort of cut.

When I'm guarding I always get little girls coming up to me and telling me that someone was being mean to them. Honestly I just want to tell them that maybe if they weren't such a tattle-tale more people would like them. But I normally just say go play somewhere away from them and tell me if they bother you again. Works like a charm because normally by the time something else happens I'm not on deck anymore.

A lot of you probably think I'm not a very good lifeguard and to this I say 'If you think you can do better, be my guest.'

That's all folks!
May the Force be with you!

Fears, Tears, and Balloons

With it being October and Halloween coming up, I have decided to write a bit of a spooky post. I am going to tell you some of my fears and I do hope that none of you use these against me. A lot of these fears originated in childhood and are not your ordinary phobias.

First off, I have a routine of always checking behind a door. This started after my older cousin put in the movie My Bloody Valentine in my auntie's basement. In this film, the killer hides behind a door and attacks the damsel in distress. And ever since then, I always open a door all the way to the wall or check behind it after walking into a room.

Secondly, I have a fear of compressed air. This fear started after my father told my brother and I the story of bullies killing one of their victims using an air compressor. He told us this as we were filling up our bicycle tires. T-Bird and I became afraid of the compressor and were too scared to grab the end out of the tire when it was getting too full and my dad was too far away to grab it himself, causing the tire to explode. The loud noise nearly caused T-Bird and I to shit ourselves and for me to never trust compressed air of any kind again. I have been known to hide underneath the desk at the theatre when a CO2 bottle change is in process. I just always imagine it blowing up like on Jaws. The first time I had to change the bottle myself required a panicked phone call to Beetyke with him telling me that the noise I heard was just excess air escaping and that it was impossible for CO2 to blow up like in Jaws.

Speaking of things blowing up, I also have a fear of balloons. When I was younger, I was blowing one up when it popped and a piece went into my eye. My mom fished it out and I survived but I'm still not over it and hate them more than anything. I just don't trust them. Tonight at the theatre, this new kid blew one up and popped it right in front of me. I jumped really high and felt my heart stop. I also really wanted to cry.

I once had a dream where I was a corpse in the morgue and they were cutting off my toes. I don't know why, I had been watching a lot of CSI at Coke's house and was sleeping over. The fact that there was three of us lying in a row in Coke's basement also didn't make the morgue idea any less realistic. Ever since then, I always need to have my feet under the blankets when I sleep. Always. I can stand to have my toes peek out for about ten seconds at a time but then I think about someone grabbing them and I have to pull them back in. And if you watch TV shows that deal with corpses they normally show a body under a white sheet with the feet sticking out. It's weird! In lifeguard training, when I would be the victim and would have to go on the spine-board they would cover me with a blanket like we're supposed to but they wouldn't cover my feet. I nearly went crazy. If I was strapped in for a second longer than I was I probably would've snapped. If any of you have been strapped into a spine-board for any amount of time you probably know it is quite scary. I'm not completely claustrophobic but in a spine-board where you can't move any part of your body, I can't help but have a mental freak-out.

I'm not sure if this is really a fear, but I have this theory that when you kill a spider their ghost comes back to haunt you. It might sound bizarre, but the next time you kill a spider, you'll most likely feel a tingly, crawling sensation all over your body. Maybe it's just your mind, that's possible, but more than likely, it's the spider, getting back at you. I never kill spiders and never feel that sensation anymore. Ever since I thought of this theory, I have felt like a better person and have experienced less rainy days.

Again, wouldn't really consider this a fear but I am a bit freaked out by Vince Vaughn. Ever since I saw him in the remake of Psycho I haven't trusted him. He played the part a little too well if you ask me. I hope his wife keeps a weapon in the shower with her.

I'm supposed to say something about one of my coworkers, SassyPants. He is buying me a blizzard. Probably because he feels bad that I will now have to go through intense therapy from all the balloon popping tonight. I call him SassyPants because lately he has had quite the attitude. I always say I'm gonna fight him, too. But I won't while he is buying me ice cream. I now have him right where I want him.

I hope you have learned some helpful tips from this blog; look behind doors, don't kill spiders or trust Vince Vaughn and always keep your feet tucked in. After all, I am here to help. Not only my readers, but the household spiders of North America.

Keep it real, world. I'm out.

Could Really Use a Smile Cookie

Hello.

I should be in a good mood right now. I had an alright day. I have recently discovered the awesomeness of the show, 'Glee' and my mother and I have been watching it until 3 AM every night when I get home from work. On this brilliant show they did the song "Bust a Move" by Young MC. This moment in history changed my life. I have a new favorite song and have listened to it 50 times in the past two days. I keep finding myself home alone lately and have used this time to put my phone on the surround sound speakers in our living room and listen to it on repeat. I do not only listen, though, I sing and dance around in my pajamas like in an 80's music video. We recently took in my great-grandparent's overweight wiener dog who is my dog's sister. While parading around my upstairs in slippers my two dogs looked like they had seen this before much too many times while the new dog looked quite confused. So why would I not be in a good mood, you might ask. It would seem as if I've been having the time of my life busting it. And as I assure you, that has been quite enjoyable for me and the dogs, there are two problems with today.

1) I was supposed to get paid today by the pool but I have not been yet and it is passed 8 PM. Not only was I to get paid but I was to get a wage increase because I have now worked there for more than six months. But I keep checking my banking app and I have no new deposits. I only have $4.51 in my spending account! What is going on? I need money! I do not work with the no-phone lady for free! I am very uptight about my finances. Every payday I transfer money from my spending account to my savings account. You know, for emergencies and school and new shoes. I am very responsible. So yeah, I get a little ticked when the payroll people can't seem to do their jobs. I wonder if they've gotten paid today. Because in my opinion they don't deserve to be.

2) These people came to the theatre tonight and are going to complain to our head office about being late for their movie when they came five minutes before it started and had to wait in line because we were only doing one till since it was dead right until 6:55. It's not my fault that you're stupid! Leave your house sooner you wackjobs! Like oh my God, someone needs a smile cookie. And is that really the worst thing in your life? That you missed the previews to your crappy action sequel? Maybe you should be thankful that you are able to be such a tight-ass and complain about your own punctuality. I just hate it when people act stupid.

There's a fly flying into my face now. What the fuck, don't you know how to fly? Get outta here!

Ugh, I just hate everything and everyone right now. I could hulk smash something right now. But oh wait! If I wreck anything I don't have any money to pay to replace it!!! >:(

Oh yeah, and there was a chip in my windshield that started to crack on one of the hottest days in the summer and then cracked again out of that crack yesterday when it was snowing. It's hard enough for me to deal with the sudden changes in temperature and my windshield keeps cracking?! Next thing to crack is my sanity, which let's face it, is barely intact to begin with.

If only I lived in Glee and could just sing my troubles away. Or if I could just break out into song and some crunk dancing which would give me an excuse to beat a few people up.

The Sh*t I Say

Hey all you finger flickas! I hope y'all are having a decent Thanksgiving. I just finished my marathon of eating and let me tell you, I almost hit 'the wall'. A couple days after my last post they stopped serving smile cookies. I'm sure you all heard about the Tim Horton's that went up in flames a few weeks ago. Haha just kitten, yo. But I was very upset. I went through the drive through and ordered "two coffees and a smile cookie, please" and the girl doing drive through said "I'm sorry, ma'am, we stopped serving smile cookies two days ago." My first thought was 'what have I been doing for the past two days?' Out loud I said, "whaaaat?"  and then she asked "would you like a chocolate chunk cookie?" to this I replied, "NO!" WTF? Chocolate chunk cookie? With no smile? The only way I would've had one of those was if they painted a face on it with a mustache within the time it took me to drive up to the window. I almost cancelled the coffees just to make a statement but I was quite thirsty still.

Since it was indeed Thanksgiving, all of my friends were in town. This meant shit was gonna get fucked up. When I arrived at my friend's house who was hosting the party, everyone was sitting around the ping pong table doing shots. They were going to do 100 shots in 100 minutes. They were only about 20 or so in when I got there. I took my cherry whiskey out of my Spiderman backpack (yup, straight up baller) in order to mix it into my super big gulp of Dr. Pepper. I started drinking cherry whiskey because Beardy kept teasing me about all my "girly drinks". Yes, I am indeed a woman but I have dedicated the last year or so of my life trying to become a bro. Does that make it sound like I want a sex change? I don't. Anyways, I start pouring in my booze and get distracted by what someone is saying. I ended up pouring half of what was left in the bottle into my cup. I normally make drinks so that you can just barely taste the booze. But that drink tasted like cherry whiskey with a hint of Dr. Pepper. I then sat around the table with everyone and watched them take their shots. I would take a big sip every time the timer went off but I would also be drinking in between each shot.Coke was sick and so I didn't have my sidekick and before I start drinking I am a little shy. So I drank the whole thing within an hour which is considerably fast for a lightweight like myself. The next drink I made was Pepsi and vodka. The vodka was the Grey Goose I had used in my music video of Gnarly and that's what I thought about as I, once again, poured too much in. So as you can guess I was pretty tipsy. I laid on the floor for a while and did find a very shiny quarter so that's awesome. We all did that Gangnam Style dance when the song came on so that was also awesome. It was a pretty fun night and resulted in my throwing up four times the next morning. I left Seannanigans a voicemail at like 6:30 am but I couldn't even tell what I said in it. I just remember I was lying under the covers. The next day I was texting Seannanigans and I told him "Booty's booty, nigga" and it made me realize I am quite the wise person sometimes. I say really awesome stuff sometimes which brings me to the purpose of this post. I'm going to lay down a list of a few things I've said recently or in the past that I am quite proud to be quoted on.

-"There are two things in life that you just gotta be happy you have and not worry about how you got them; looty and booty."
           I said this after I told Seannanigans that "booty's booty, nigga". I was going for this whole pirate/                        straight-up G thing.

-"There's a difference between being conceited and thinking you're the fucking shit."
           Some of you might recognize this from one of my texts to Beetyke. I was pretty proud of myself on that one. P.S. I know that this statement is in fact false but is that gonna stop me from saying it? No.

-"Life is too short not to watch Gary Oldman."
           Best. Actor. Ever. I was trying to convince Beetyke to watch the movie Lawless because Beardy and I did the one night and it was simply AMAZING. New favorite movie.

-"High expectations=high disappointment."
           This is an actual quote that I am very proud of for making. I have learned this lesson quite a few times in my life. You can also change it to say "Low expectations=low disappointment" depending on the situation.

-"I never describe people as "cool". It's either awesome or possum."
            I said this to Beardy the other night when he said that I never agree with him as being cool. After I said it, I realized that is a good way of describing people...unless you really think possums are the shit.

-"Let me be me!!"
            I just said this tonight at Thanksgiving dinner when my brother asked why I would take another bun after I could barely eat anymore vegetables. I again repeated it when he asked why I butter the bun, pour gravy on it and then close it and eat it like a sandwich. P.S. the answer is because it's fucking delicious and tastes like Yorkshire pudding. Mmmmm...

So there you have it, some slivers of pure genius for each and every one of you. And you thought you had nothing to be thankful for! You always have me, man. #youarewelcome

May the Force be with you!