I say, we skip the introductions and get right down to it, shall we? Like a quickie on your way to church. Haha I don't know why I said that. That was a weird phrase. I'm hungry and when I'm hungry I get weird. I think it's because of my blood sugar levels or something scientific like that. I should ask my roommate, he's a scientist.
I wanna write a post about hating yourself. And it's not gonna be one of those don't hate yourself, you're beautiful ones but actually a post about the things I hate about myself. Those other ones are lame, boring, cliche and unpersonalized. I'm way better at being 100% real; that's something I don't hate about myself.
You might be wondering why I have been inspired to write such an odd post, or you're not wondering that at all; I can't read minds. The thing is, I've been having these reoccurring dreams where I'm at work and there's an emergency and my whistle doesn't work. Like I'm blowing it (haha winky-face!) as hard as I can but there's no sound coming out. So no one is clearing the pool, no one is coming out to help with the emergency and pretty much all my authority is stripped away, gone! It is horrifying. And embarrassing. And overwhelming. And I'm pretty sure it's a sign of me feeling insecure. I'm no expert though. I should ask my buddy, Beetyke. He knows a lot about weird mind things like that. And so this dream, which I've had at least twice now, has made me realize I need to cleanse my soul of these insecurities and what better way to do that than to shout them out on a mountain top for the whole universe to hear!?! Unfortunately, I don't feel strongly enough to drive to the mountains and cause an avalanche so I'll just state them on the Internet where the whole three people that read this blog can see.
So here we go, yo!
The Things Ashlynn Hates about Herself:
1) I'm a very picky drinker. I don't like beer. Or wine. Or water. (What water? Everyone likes water!) No sir, I don't like water. I need water in order to live and avoid hangovers but I never think ooh I would love a refreshing cup of water right now. I'm pretty sure I am always in a state of minor dehydration because I drink like one drink a day. If I could pick anything to drink in the whole wide world nine times out of ten it'll be chocolate milk. I love that shit. But we're not here to talk about things we love.
So the other night I went out for dinner with some coworkers at this bar and I tried to order a Whiskey Sour because that's one of the only alcoholic drinks I will drink. But the waitress said that they don't make those so then I was embarrassed and a little ticked off and so I asked for a drink menu. She told me that they also don't have drink menus. Can you believe that?! If I had been with Jon Taffer from Spike's Bar Rescue show he woulda burst through the door and slapped that bar owner silly. So then really not knowing what to do because I didn't want to order another drink that they couldn't make I just said "I guess I'll have water." And in my mind I was like ugh water... But I was now refusing to pay this bar for a beverage so I went with water since it's free to make a statement. But I still tipped because I'm too nice. Which leads me to the second thing I hate about myself...
2) I'm too motha-fuckin' nice! I put up with too much shit from people because I dislike confrontations, I go way out of my way to do things for people they would never do for me, and I never say no. When I do have to say no to someone I feel extreme guilt all night about it. I'm getting better at it as I age which makes me believe I'm turning into a cranky old hag, but still I hate denying people of things. Like at work if someone asks me to work for them I have been known to change personal plans around to do it. I've even gotten my shift covered at my other job in order to work for someone. And then it really hurts when you go to ask that person to cover one of your shifts and they won't do it. Ugh! And that's why I hate being too nice! Or I'll go way out of my way to do something for a boyfriend's family and then when it comes to me asking for them to be there for my family having them being like "oh I would but I don't want to" really hits me hard. But then the next time I'm asked to do something it's like yup, you bet! No problem! Which leads me to another thing I dislike about myself...
3) I can't stay mad. I've never been able to hold a grudge. Never. I just don't have the energy. It astonishes me when I see someone who can stay mad about something for a long time. I'm just like in the words of Elsa, "Let It Go! Let It Goooooo!" Like for instance, my roommates went out shopping with the one's dad and they went to Superstore. So his dad likes to get those banana chip things out of the bulk bins but I guess this time the bin wasn't stocked so there wasn't very many banana chips in it. So my roommate's dad asked a boy stocking shelves why the banana chips were stocked insufficiently and the boy was trying to tell him that it wasn't his department and so he wasn't sure. This made my roommate's dad ask to see a manager since the boy should know why there are no banana chips at this time. The boy goes to get his supervisor since the manager wasn't there and then my roommate's dad continues to argue with this supervisor about there being no banana chips. You'd think that his rant about banana chips would finally be over but oh no, he actually went to the customer service desk and WROTE OUT a customer complaint. Like I'm amazed at how much energy this man has and I envy his passion about banana chips. I have been on this Earth for almost 21 years and not yet have I found something I care about that strongly to complain to two different people, cause a scene, and take the time and effort to actually write out a customer complaint card. And I almost want to ask him what he expected to get out of writing a complaint. Like do you really expect Superstore to call you the next day and be like we are so sorry you couldn't stock up on banana chips due to shipping delays so we are supplying you with a lifetime supply of dried banana slices to ease your pain and suffering. I mean maybe Superstore would be mad hyped that someone actually wants the banana chips because never have I ever seen anyone actually buy them let alone go through all that hassle to bitch about them. This story almost makes me happy and proud that I can't stay mad about things but I dislike that I can't stay mad because it normally means that when someone does something that upsets or hurts me, I usually end up forgiving them and then it just happens over and over again. Sometimes I wish I could say FRIENDS OFF and it actually be for real.
4) I hate exercising. Lately I've been to stores and they're all doing their own athletic lines of flashy spandex pants and bright tank tops and it's all super cute except that all the shirts say stuff like 'this is my happy place' or 'cardio is love' and all this stupid shit. Am I the only one that needs a workout tank that says "I effing hate working out" or "I want to die on the inside"? I know I'm not the only one who feels that way. Exercise fucking sucks. Like no one enjoys it. People enjoy how they look after and they enjoy posting pictures of themselves with no shirts on after and of course there's the chemical release of endorphins in your brain that tricks you into liking it but no one really does while they're doing it. I think the reason endorphins are released after a workout is because the workout is finally over. That's my favourite time; walking out of the gym, with sweat dripping down my face and my throat throbbing like a chain smoker. I'm very mean to myself when I work out too. Like I am verbally abusive to myself while I'm running or doing squats or anything. I need the motivation though. Like I will quit running unless I tell myself how flabby and gross I am. This is the usual conversation in my head when I'm on the treadmill:
Wow you are jiggling like a big human-shaped bowl of jell-o. Did you really think you were still in shape? I can't believe anyone would ever go out with you. No wonder you were single for all of high school. You don't even look good in your workout clothes.
That's a lie! I look god damn adorable in my stretchy pants!!
5) I hate that I am introverted. I mean in a way I'm proud to be an introvert because I feel like people think we can't conquer the world, and trust me, I can but I also hate the stress that being an introvert causes. Like when I'm told that I'll have to work in an assigned group or talk in front of the class for an hour, I would like to not lose sleep over it, but I do. I would like to be able to think of something to say at my boyfriend's family dinners rather than just thinking about how uncomfortable I am, but I can't. I would like to be excited when I'm invited to a social gathering where I have to talk to people I barely know, but I'm not. I would like to be motivated enough to make new friends on my own, but I'm not. I would like to be brave enough to try something new on my own, but I'm not. I just don't have the desire or motivation or the personality to do it. Sometimes I feel like I'm scared of the rest of the world. Like when I hear about people that can travel the world for pleasure all by themselves I'm just amazed. I could never go somewhere I've never been and have to talk to people that don't speak my language all by myself. I can barely speak to people that speak English all by myself! I think I would cut my trip early and come home after a day. I am just a pair person. I like to have a partner in everything. I normally drag my roommate to Michaels with me to buy yarn just because I don't want to drive there by myself. It's a weird thing to want someone to do stuff with all the time yet to never want to socialize with anyone. And it's frustrating to keep up with sometimes. I always catch myself complaining that I wasn't invited to a friend's get-together but then when I am invited to something I dread it all week and want to bail at the last second. I envy extroverts so much. I really believe that being an introvert has held me back from many things. For instance, I used to really enjoy writing and singing songs but it was something I never felt comfortable sharing with people and I was never a performer so I started to do it less and less and I think the last song I wrote was over three years ago. And that's sad to let something like that go when you enjoy it but start to feel like there's no point to it. Like I just wish I was Taylor Swift! I feel like I'm almost Taylor Swift because I am also a very awkward dancer haha
I think I'm gonna leave it at those 5 things. I don't wanna start getting too deep and hurting my own feelings. I bet you're all surprised I didn't write that I hate how awesome I am because it's hard to always blow so many minds ;)
I feel like this is a healthy cleanse. Like you can't really be that insecure when you've laid out everything that you suck at in order to say "Hey! Look at me, I'm bad at this and that's okay!". It also leaves nothing for people to really hurt you with because you've already hurt your own feelings. It's like if someone now says to me "wow Ashlynn you are such a picky drinker" I can come back with "yeah, I don't even like water...bitch!" cause let's face it, you shouldn't be too nice to that person since they're calling out one of your flaws, like get bent and make me a Whiskey Sour already.
I hope people aren't worried about putting me on suicide-watch after reading this post. After all, I am just being self-aware and if I were to write a post about the things I love about myself (#1: my cute butt) you would grow old before you were finished reading it. I hope this post makes you guys feel good about yourselves too because maybe you'll read it and be like wow look at this girl, rock awesome in so many ways who still has flaws and just accepts them as part of who she is. Because, for real, we can't all be Beyonce. We all have flaws and there's no point in hiding or denying them because they make us who we are. I bet you all wouldn't love Ashi Poo Poo if she was hilarious, smart, cute AND a skinny exercise guru would you? That would be too much.
So if you ever have a dream where your whistler can't whistle try writing about the things that make you suck and let your whistler ring!
May the Force be with you!
Ashlynn
