With it being October and Halloween coming up, I have decided to write a bit of a spooky post. I am going to tell you some of my fears and I do hope that none of you use these against me. A lot of these fears originated in childhood and are not your ordinary phobias.
First off, I have a routine of always checking behind a door. This started after my older cousin put in the movie My Bloody Valentine in my auntie's basement. In this film, the killer hides behind a door and attacks the damsel in distress. And ever since then, I always open a door all the way to the wall or check behind it after walking into a room.
Secondly, I have a fear of compressed air. This fear started after my father told my brother and I the story of bullies killing one of their victims using an air compressor. He told us this as we were filling up our bicycle tires. T-Bird and I became afraid of the compressor and were too scared to grab the end out of the tire when it was getting too full and my dad was too far away to grab it himself, causing the tire to explode. The loud noise nearly caused T-Bird and I to shit ourselves and for me to never trust compressed air of any kind again. I have been known to hide underneath the desk at the theatre when a CO2 bottle change is in process. I just always imagine it blowing up like on Jaws. The first time I had to change the bottle myself required a panicked phone call to Beetyke with him telling me that the noise I heard was just excess air escaping and that it was impossible for CO2 to blow up like in Jaws.
Speaking of things blowing up, I also have a fear of balloons. When I was younger, I was blowing one up when it popped and a piece went into my eye. My mom fished it out and I survived but I'm still not over it and hate them more than anything. I just don't trust them. Tonight at the theatre, this new kid blew one up and popped it right in front of me. I jumped really high and felt my heart stop. I also really wanted to cry.
I once had a dream where I was a corpse in the morgue and they were cutting off my toes. I don't know why, I had been watching a lot of CSI at Coke's house and was sleeping over. The fact that there was three of us lying in a row in Coke's basement also didn't make the morgue idea any less realistic. Ever since then, I always need to have my feet under the blankets when I sleep. Always. I can stand to have my toes peek out for about ten seconds at a time but then I think about someone grabbing them and I have to pull them back in. And if you watch TV shows that deal with corpses they normally show a body under a white sheet with the feet sticking out. It's weird! In lifeguard training, when I would be the victim and would have to go on the spine-board they would cover me with a blanket like we're supposed to but they wouldn't cover my feet. I nearly went crazy. If I was strapped in for a second longer than I was I probably would've snapped. If any of you have been strapped into a spine-board for any amount of time you probably know it is quite scary. I'm not completely claustrophobic but in a spine-board where you can't move any part of your body, I can't help but have a mental freak-out.
I'm not sure if this is really a fear, but I have this theory that when you kill a spider their ghost comes back to haunt you. It might sound bizarre, but the next time you kill a spider, you'll most likely feel a tingly, crawling sensation all over your body. Maybe it's just your mind, that's possible, but more than likely, it's the spider, getting back at you. I never kill spiders and never feel that sensation anymore. Ever since I thought of this theory, I have felt like a better person and have experienced less rainy days.
Again, wouldn't really consider this a fear but I am a bit freaked out by Vince Vaughn. Ever since I saw him in the remake of Psycho I haven't trusted him. He played the part a little too well if you ask me. I hope his wife keeps a weapon in the shower with her.
I'm supposed to say something about one of my coworkers, SassyPants. He is buying me a blizzard. Probably because he feels bad that I will now have to go through intense therapy from all the balloon popping tonight. I call him SassyPants because lately he has had quite the attitude. I always say I'm gonna fight him, too. But I won't while he is buying me ice cream. I now have him right where I want him.
I hope you have learned some helpful tips from this blog; look behind doors, don't kill spiders or trust Vince Vaughn and always keep your feet tucked in. After all, I am here to help. Not only my readers, but the household spiders of North America.
Keep it real, world. I'm out.
Saturday 13 October 2012
Thursday 11 October 2012
Could Really Use a Smile Cookie
Hello.
I should be in a good mood right now. I had an alright day. I have recently discovered the awesomeness of the show, 'Glee' and my mother and I have been watching it until 3 AM every night when I get home from work. On this brilliant show they did the song "Bust a Move" by Young MC. This moment in history changed my life. I have a new favorite song and have listened to it 50 times in the past two days. I keep finding myself home alone lately and have used this time to put my phone on the surround sound speakers in our living room and listen to it on repeat. I do not only listen, though, I sing and dance around in my pajamas like in an 80's music video. We recently took in my great-grandparent's overweight wiener dog who is my dog's sister. While parading around my upstairs in slippers my two dogs looked like they had seen this before much too many times while the new dog looked quite confused. So why would I not be in a good mood, you might ask. It would seem as if I've been having the time of my life busting it. And as I assure you, that has been quite enjoyable for me and the dogs, there are two problems with today.
1) I was supposed to get paid today by the pool but I have not been yet and it is passed 8 PM. Not only was I to get paid but I was to get a wage increase because I have now worked there for more than six months. But I keep checking my banking app and I have no new deposits. I only have $4.51 in my spending account! What is going on? I need money! I do not work with the no-phone lady for free! I am very uptight about my finances. Every payday I transfer money from my spending account to my savings account. You know, for emergencies and school and new shoes. I am very responsible. So yeah, I get a little ticked when the payroll people can't seem to do their jobs. I wonder if they've gotten paid today. Because in my opinion they don't deserve to be.
2) These people came to the theatre tonight and are going to complain to our head office about being late for their movie when they came five minutes before it started and had to wait in line because we were only doing one till since it was dead right until 6:55. It's not my fault that you're stupid! Leave your house sooner you wackjobs! Like oh my God, someone needs a smile cookie. And is that really the worst thing in your life? That you missed the previews to your crappy action sequel? Maybe you should be thankful that you are able to be such a tight-ass and complain about your own punctuality. I just hate it when people act stupid.
There's a fly flying into my face now. What the fuck, don't you know how to fly? Get outta here!
Ugh, I just hate everything and everyone right now. I could hulk smash something right now. But oh wait! If I wreck anything I don't have any money to pay to replace it!!! >:(
Oh yeah, and there was a chip in my windshield that started to crack on one of the hottest days in the summer and then cracked again out of that crack yesterday when it was snowing. It's hard enough for me to deal with the sudden changes in temperature and my windshield keeps cracking?! Next thing to crack is my sanity, which let's face it, is barely intact to begin with.
If only I lived in Glee and could just sing my troubles away. Or if I could just break out into song and some crunk dancing which would give me an excuse to beat a few people up.
I should be in a good mood right now. I had an alright day. I have recently discovered the awesomeness of the show, 'Glee' and my mother and I have been watching it until 3 AM every night when I get home from work. On this brilliant show they did the song "Bust a Move" by Young MC. This moment in history changed my life. I have a new favorite song and have listened to it 50 times in the past two days. I keep finding myself home alone lately and have used this time to put my phone on the surround sound speakers in our living room and listen to it on repeat. I do not only listen, though, I sing and dance around in my pajamas like in an 80's music video. We recently took in my great-grandparent's overweight wiener dog who is my dog's sister. While parading around my upstairs in slippers my two dogs looked like they had seen this before much too many times while the new dog looked quite confused. So why would I not be in a good mood, you might ask. It would seem as if I've been having the time of my life busting it. And as I assure you, that has been quite enjoyable for me and the dogs, there are two problems with today.
1) I was supposed to get paid today by the pool but I have not been yet and it is passed 8 PM. Not only was I to get paid but I was to get a wage increase because I have now worked there for more than six months. But I keep checking my banking app and I have no new deposits. I only have $4.51 in my spending account! What is going on? I need money! I do not work with the no-phone lady for free! I am very uptight about my finances. Every payday I transfer money from my spending account to my savings account. You know, for emergencies and school and new shoes. I am very responsible. So yeah, I get a little ticked when the payroll people can't seem to do their jobs. I wonder if they've gotten paid today. Because in my opinion they don't deserve to be.
2) These people came to the theatre tonight and are going to complain to our head office about being late for their movie when they came five minutes before it started and had to wait in line because we were only doing one till since it was dead right until 6:55. It's not my fault that you're stupid! Leave your house sooner you wackjobs! Like oh my God, someone needs a smile cookie. And is that really the worst thing in your life? That you missed the previews to your crappy action sequel? Maybe you should be thankful that you are able to be such a tight-ass and complain about your own punctuality. I just hate it when people act stupid.
There's a fly flying into my face now. What the fuck, don't you know how to fly? Get outta here!
Ugh, I just hate everything and everyone right now. I could hulk smash something right now. But oh wait! If I wreck anything I don't have any money to pay to replace it!!! >:(
Oh yeah, and there was a chip in my windshield that started to crack on one of the hottest days in the summer and then cracked again out of that crack yesterday when it was snowing. It's hard enough for me to deal with the sudden changes in temperature and my windshield keeps cracking?! Next thing to crack is my sanity, which let's face it, is barely intact to begin with.
If only I lived in Glee and could just sing my troubles away. Or if I could just break out into song and some crunk dancing which would give me an excuse to beat a few people up.
Sunday 7 October 2012
The Sh*t I Say
Hey all you finger flickas! I hope y'all are having a decent Thanksgiving. I just finished my marathon of eating and let me tell you, I almost hit 'the wall'. A couple days after my last post they stopped serving smile cookies. I'm sure you all heard about the Tim Horton's that went up in flames a few weeks ago. Haha just kitten, yo. But I was very upset. I went through the drive through and ordered "two coffees and a smile cookie, please" and the girl doing drive through said "I'm sorry, ma'am, we stopped serving smile cookies two days ago." My first thought was 'what have I been doing for the past two days?' Out loud I said, "whaaaat?" and then she asked "would you like a chocolate chunk cookie?" to this I replied, "NO!" WTF? Chocolate chunk cookie? With no smile? The only way I would've had one of those was if they painted a face on it with a mustache within the time it took me to drive up to the window. I almost cancelled the coffees just to make a statement but I was quite thirsty still.
Since it was indeed Thanksgiving, all of my friends were in town. This meant shit was gonna get fucked up. When I arrived at my friend's house who was hosting the party, everyone was sitting around the ping pong table doing shots. They were going to do 100 shots in 100 minutes. They were only about 20 or so in when I got there. I took my cherry whiskey out of my Spiderman backpack (yup, straight up baller) in order to mix it into my super big gulp of Dr. Pepper. I started drinking cherry whiskey because Beardy kept teasing me about all my "girly drinks". Yes, I am indeed a woman but I have dedicated the last year or so of my life trying to become a bro. Does that make it sound like I want a sex change? I don't. Anyways, I start pouring in my booze and get distracted by what someone is saying. I ended up pouring half of what was left in the bottle into my cup. I normally make drinks so that you can just barely taste the booze. But that drink tasted like cherry whiskey with a hint of Dr. Pepper. I then sat around the table with everyone and watched them take their shots. I would take a big sip every time the timer went off but I would also be drinking in between each shot.Coke was sick and so I didn't have my sidekick and before I start drinking I am a little shy. So I drank the whole thing within an hour which is considerably fast for a lightweight like myself. The next drink I made was Pepsi and vodka. The vodka was the Grey Goose I had used in my music video of Gnarly and that's what I thought about as I, once again, poured too much in. So as you can guess I was pretty tipsy. I laid on the floor for a while and did find a very shiny quarter so that's awesome. We all did that Gangnam Style dance when the song came on so that was also awesome. It was a pretty fun night and resulted in my throwing up four times the next morning. I left Seannanigans a voicemail at like 6:30 am but I couldn't even tell what I said in it. I just remember I was lying under the covers. The next day I was texting Seannanigans and I told him "Booty's booty, nigga" and it made me realize I am quite the wise person sometimes. I say really awesome stuff sometimes which brings me to the purpose of this post. I'm going to lay down a list of a few things I've said recently or in the past that I am quite proud to be quoted on.
-"There are two things in life that you just gotta be happy you have and not worry about how you got them; looty and booty."
I said this after I told Seannanigans that "booty's booty, nigga". I was going for this whole pirate/ straight-up G thing.
-"There's a difference between being conceited and thinking you're the fucking shit."
Some of you might recognize this from one of my texts to Beetyke. I was pretty proud of myself on that one. P.S. I know that this statement is in fact false but is that gonna stop me from saying it? No.
-"Life is too short not to watch Gary Oldman."
Best. Actor. Ever. I was trying to convince Beetyke to watch the movie Lawless because Beardy and I did the one night and it was simply AMAZING. New favorite movie.
-"High expectations=high disappointment."
This is an actual quote that I am very proud of for making. I have learned this lesson quite a few times in my life. You can also change it to say "Low expectations=low disappointment" depending on the situation.
-"I never describe people as "cool". It's either awesome or possum."
I said this to Beardy the other night when he said that I never agree with him as being cool. After I said it, I realized that is a good way of describing people...unless you really think possums are the shit.
-"Let me be me!!"
I just said this tonight at Thanksgiving dinner when my brother asked why I would take another bun after I could barely eat anymore vegetables. I again repeated it when he asked why I butter the bun, pour gravy on it and then close it and eat it like a sandwich. P.S. the answer is because it's fucking delicious and tastes like Yorkshire pudding. Mmmmm...
So there you have it, some slivers of pure genius for each and every one of you. And you thought you had nothing to be thankful for! You always have me, man. #youarewelcome
May the Force be with you!
Since it was indeed Thanksgiving, all of my friends were in town. This meant shit was gonna get fucked up. When I arrived at my friend's house who was hosting the party, everyone was sitting around the ping pong table doing shots. They were going to do 100 shots in 100 minutes. They were only about 20 or so in when I got there. I took my cherry whiskey out of my Spiderman backpack (yup, straight up baller) in order to mix it into my super big gulp of Dr. Pepper. I started drinking cherry whiskey because Beardy kept teasing me about all my "girly drinks". Yes, I am indeed a woman but I have dedicated the last year or so of my life trying to become a bro. Does that make it sound like I want a sex change? I don't. Anyways, I start pouring in my booze and get distracted by what someone is saying. I ended up pouring half of what was left in the bottle into my cup. I normally make drinks so that you can just barely taste the booze. But that drink tasted like cherry whiskey with a hint of Dr. Pepper. I then sat around the table with everyone and watched them take their shots. I would take a big sip every time the timer went off but I would also be drinking in between each shot.Coke was sick and so I didn't have my sidekick and before I start drinking I am a little shy. So I drank the whole thing within an hour which is considerably fast for a lightweight like myself. The next drink I made was Pepsi and vodka. The vodka was the Grey Goose I had used in my music video of Gnarly and that's what I thought about as I, once again, poured too much in. So as you can guess I was pretty tipsy. I laid on the floor for a while and did find a very shiny quarter so that's awesome. We all did that Gangnam Style dance when the song came on so that was also awesome. It was a pretty fun night and resulted in my throwing up four times the next morning. I left Seannanigans a voicemail at like 6:30 am but I couldn't even tell what I said in it. I just remember I was lying under the covers. The next day I was texting Seannanigans and I told him "Booty's booty, nigga" and it made me realize I am quite the wise person sometimes. I say really awesome stuff sometimes which brings me to the purpose of this post. I'm going to lay down a list of a few things I've said recently or in the past that I am quite proud to be quoted on.
-"There are two things in life that you just gotta be happy you have and not worry about how you got them; looty and booty."
I said this after I told Seannanigans that "booty's booty, nigga". I was going for this whole pirate/ straight-up G thing.
-"There's a difference between being conceited and thinking you're the fucking shit."
Some of you might recognize this from one of my texts to Beetyke. I was pretty proud of myself on that one. P.S. I know that this statement is in fact false but is that gonna stop me from saying it? No.
-"Life is too short not to watch Gary Oldman."
Best. Actor. Ever. I was trying to convince Beetyke to watch the movie Lawless because Beardy and I did the one night and it was simply AMAZING. New favorite movie.
-"High expectations=high disappointment."
This is an actual quote that I am very proud of for making. I have learned this lesson quite a few times in my life. You can also change it to say "Low expectations=low disappointment" depending on the situation.
-"I never describe people as "cool". It's either awesome or possum."
I said this to Beardy the other night when he said that I never agree with him as being cool. After I said it, I realized that is a good way of describing people...unless you really think possums are the shit.
-"Let me be me!!"
I just said this tonight at Thanksgiving dinner when my brother asked why I would take another bun after I could barely eat anymore vegetables. I again repeated it when he asked why I butter the bun, pour gravy on it and then close it and eat it like a sandwich. P.S. the answer is because it's fucking delicious and tastes like Yorkshire pudding. Mmmmm...
So there you have it, some slivers of pure genius for each and every one of you. And you thought you had nothing to be thankful for! You always have me, man. #youarewelcome
May the Force be with you!
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