Merry Christmas, ya Filthy Animal!

Yo yo yo! Sorry I've been away so long. I've been busy under the mistletoe!

While I was busy not blogging, I became a rapper. Just kitten! I've always been a rapper. Okay, let's get serious. How was your Christmas? Mine was just dandy. All I asked for was a vacation but my parents said no, sadface, so I said I wasn't doing Christmas this year. As in, I wasn't buying gifts and I didn't want any. Because as every year goes by my family members want less and less and I need less and less so it's just a pain in the patooty to walk around the mall for hours and spend hundreds of dollars on stuff people don't even really want. I donated operation Christmas Child shoeboxes and called 'er good.

But Melaney said it wasn't good enough! Well, she said that everyone was going to get me gifts so I was going to feel bad if I didn't give anything. So I decided that Gnarly and I would give our own special gifts. I recruited Coke as photographer and we took some amazing shots. I then went through the brutal process of printing and cutting the photos and putting them into photo snow globes from Walmart. This process was brutal because the snow globes don't say what size of photo is needed and so we just printed off 4x6's and were going to trim off the excess but they were still too big considering the photos needed to be 2x3. The Walmart photo centre doesn't print 2x3's though so I had to send the pictures to a local printshop. It was so much effort for my silly little no-thought gift. They did turn out good though and my family members loved them. These are the photos we used;

 This is my absolute favorite one. I'm gonna put a copy in a frame haha. It was hard for me to climb up the hill in my boots because they have no grip. I did five face-plants each time and ended up having to crawl to the top.

 Not sure if anyone noticed how ballin' I look in my unicorn toque. Or how adorable Gnarles looks covered in snow. I had to put him in the bath tub after this and dry him with a blow dryer.

 This one is supposed to say "Gnarly! We're supposed to wrap the presents, not ourselves!" I love this kitty wrapping paper too haha totes adorbs!

 This is our fake mistletoe shot. I call it fake because we couldn't find mistletoe anywhere! We ended up just using this holly-looking stuff which worked fine.

A pretty successful Christmas, if I say so myself. I also turned 18 on the 21st which was as we say, Rock Awesome! The world didn't end and I was finally let into da club. I always call it "da club" haha even though it's a pretty sad excuse for a "nightclub". Before we went to da club we had a pre-party at my friend's, Franklin's house. The pre-party was a surprise and I had just been sitting at my house doing nothing and Coke wasn't texting me back and I was super mad and then Blondie was like just come chill with me at Franklin's! So I go there and I'm taking off my coat, just about to say 'wtf is with Coke?' when Blondie and PattyStabs are like come into the kitchen and then Coke, Beardy, ShanMan, Schmidthead,  and Lulu all popped out. Seannanigans was there too but he did not 'pop' haha. I had to call my mom and Beetyke because we had all been bad-mouthing Coke. I was presented with the best birthday cake I've ever had too.

Everyone was like 'you spelt it wrong' to Coke and she was like 'ugh it's from the first movie, dumbass.'

My brother got me Star Wars footy pajamas that I have yet to take a picture of. Next blog post, I'll upload one. Sorry, no butt flap though :(
Beardy bought me new Toms. They are white with silver leopard print and are super nice. I'll take a picture of them too.
My Aunt bought me the movie Pitch Perfect and I've watched it like, no joke, 50 times.
Seannanigans didn't get me anything; douche. haha

And now, lovely readers, I must ask for your help. I need you to help decide which dress I should wear on New Year's Eve. Please comment on this post and say either silver or black because I suck at making decisions. I am totally comfortable wearing either one and I turn to you guys because I keep just trying each one on and dancing around my room, which is fun, yes, but doesn't help with making my choice. Make your votes fast because New Year's Eve is only a couple days away! I'll count the votes on the 31st when I get off work around 5.

All votes are appreciated! I feel like each dress holds a different fate and I am putting that fate into your hands. You could determine how my 2013 goes. You could determine the rest of my life. No pressure!!

Thanks for your help!
May the Force be with you!!

-Ace

May the Floss be with you!

I know what you're thinking; 'Oh thank Lord Jebus! She's still alive!!'. Yes, I am still here and still Rock Awesome. I haven't blogged in a while because it is a part of my plan. You see, everyday that I don't blog I still have you crazy readers checking to see if I have blogged. So while I am busy raking in dough at my two part-time jobs, I am also increasing my pageviews rapidly. Haha! There is a method to my madness!

So what's up? Not too much with me. I bought a new toothbrush! This was quite exciting for me. When Beardy used to work at the drugstore he phoned me at like 9:30 PM and said that he bought me a present. I was so excited that I ran out to meet him at the driveway and he handed me a bag with a toothbrush in it. Now, I know that sounds weird. Like some of you are probably thinking I've never had a toothbrush before or that my breath stinks and Beardy was trying to tell me something but that is not the case. I have very pearly whites. The exciting thing about this toothbrush is that it was a Star Wars toothbrush and it lit up and flashed like a lightsaber!!!!!!!!!!!! It was the coolest toothbrush I've ever owned. This meant that I could brush my teeth in the dark!!! I was so excited that the next day I went to brush and I flicked the lights off. This would have worked better if I wasn't half crazy and didn't have multiple voices in my head. This is how the conversation in my head sounded:

Normal Ashlynn: Oh my god, brushing my teeth with no lights on! But I can still see cause my tooth brush is really a light saber.

Psycho Ashlynn: Isn't this how you're supposed to do Bloody Mary? With the lights off, in front of the mirror?

Normal Ashlynn: Ahh! Okay forget that, I'm brushing my teeth in the dark and it's super awesome. This is how Jedis brush their teeth.

Pyscho Ashlynn: Just say it three times and spin around.

Normal Ashlynn: Don't listen to her. She's Darth Vader, you're Luke Skywalker. Don't go to the dark side.

Psycho Ashlynn: Bloody Mary.

Normal Ashlynn: LA LA LA LA LA can't hear you over my super awesome teethbrushing!

Psycho Ashlynn: Bloody Mary.

Normal Ashlynn: Stop! Just stop thinking about it!

Pyscho Ashlynn: Bloody Mary.

Normal Ashlynn: I will turn these lights back on.

Psycho Ashlynn: Bloody Mary! Bloody Mary! Bloody Mary! Bloody Mary! Bloody Mary!

Normal Ashlynn: Ahhhh! *flicks lights on*

And that was the end of brushing my teeth in the dark. It really sucks when I ruin things for myself. After that toothbrush pretty much wore out I bought another Star Wars toothbrush from the drugstore but this one didn't light up. It just had Yoda on it. And then I finally wore out that toothbrush so I bought a grown up toothbrush from walmart the other day. It's an electric one with a tongue brusher and everything. The thing about this toothbrush is that I've been using kids toothbrushes for a while now and this one is an adult's so it's almost hurting my mouth with those little scrubber things. The head of it is twice the size of the Star Wars ones so I have to kind of stretch my jaw out. Does this sound dirty? A little bit, hey? You perverts. I'm just talking about oral hygiene here.

So yeah, that's really all I have to say... I hope you guys brush your teeth often. Don't worry about flossing though, I don't and I'm fine.

May the Floss be with you!

Water Noggins

I realize I haven't blogged in quite a while now and I apologize. I'm sorry that your own lives are so super lame that you look to my utterly boring one for entertainment. All I've been doing is working...and watching Glee. We just finished the third season, where most of them graduate. I will admit, I found this graduation more meaningful than my own. I didn't even feel sad at my own graduation but I was on the verge of tears during this episode. Since all I've been doing is working lately I've decided I will tell you about it.

Part of my job at the pool is to teach swimming lessons. I don't mind it most of the time as long as I'm not teaching level 1 or level 2. Why? Because you always get that one kid who is afraid of water and ruins your whole lesson plan. Any parents reading this, please take your kids swimming before they start going into swimming lessons and throw them in a couple times so that they learn they aren't going to die every time their face gets splashed. The urge to dunk kids under is one I often find myself fighting. The best part about teaching kids is that they say the darned-est things sometimes.

On PFD day we ask the kids who should wear a lifejacket. I always say "Should mom wear a lifejacket?" and they yell "YES!" and then I say "Should dad wear a lifejacket?" and normally they say "YES!" but with my one class this boy said "my dad died from smoking." ... ooh awkward ... He said it in such a matter-of-fact voice I had no idea how to respond. I finally just said "if he were here would he wear a lifejacket?" and he said "YES!" phew!

One of the games we play is Simon Says. I mostly use this as a time-waster game. In one of my preschool classes I said "okay, lets do a game of Simon Says before hot tub!" and then this boy starts spouting out instructions. He was like "Okay! Put your ear in! Jump up and down! Spin around!" I was just staring at him like whaaa? I had no idea why his whole face lit up when I suggested the game either. And then I remembered, his name was Simon.

The other day I was teaching a level 5/6/7 and I was getting in the water with them about 2/3rds through the lesson. As I slipped into the water, one girl said "what are you gonna do? Are you gonna drown us?" I was like "yeah I'm gonna push you under." And she said "really?" I wanted to be like what the hell is wrong with you? Do you not know what a lifeguard does? It is the complete opposite of drowning people! I was like "NO!"

I am normally alright dealing with kids but in some situations I find myself wondering what the fuck they want me to do. For instance, I once had a girl knock on the office door and tell me that her tooth was loose. She was probably 9 or 10 and so I said is it bleeding or anything? And she said no. I had to fight back the words, 'then why the hell are you in the doorway stealing away from my cake-eating time?' I asked if she wanted me to rip it out and she was like NO! So I said well you can either go swim or I'll go get the pliers. She looked rather appalled but like I said wtf do you want me to do about it? She walked into the girl's change room and I went back to my seat in the office. Not even two minutes later the girl has come through the change room to the front counter holding her tooth in her hand with blood on her fingers. One of the older lifeguards yelled "can somebody grab a sandwich baggy?" And I looked to see her standing there. I said "you actually pulled it out?" And she said "you told me to!" This caused my coworkers to look at me in a way that said 'how could you?' And a voice in my head said "Ashlynn, you've got some 'splainin to do!" I would like to point out that she got five bucks for that tooth and refused to give me any sort of cut.

When I'm guarding I always get little girls coming up to me and telling me that someone was being mean to them. Honestly I just want to tell them that maybe if they weren't such a tattle-tale more people would like them. But I normally just say go play somewhere away from them and tell me if they bother you again. Works like a charm because normally by the time something else happens I'm not on deck anymore.

A lot of you probably think I'm not a very good lifeguard and to this I say 'If you think you can do better, be my guest.'

That's all folks!
May the Force be with you!

Fears, Tears, and Balloons

With it being October and Halloween coming up, I have decided to write a bit of a spooky post. I am going to tell you some of my fears and I do hope that none of you use these against me. A lot of these fears originated in childhood and are not your ordinary phobias.

First off, I have a routine of always checking behind a door. This started after my older cousin put in the movie My Bloody Valentine in my auntie's basement. In this film, the killer hides behind a door and attacks the damsel in distress. And ever since then, I always open a door all the way to the wall or check behind it after walking into a room.

Secondly, I have a fear of compressed air. This fear started after my father told my brother and I the story of bullies killing one of their victims using an air compressor. He told us this as we were filling up our bicycle tires. T-Bird and I became afraid of the compressor and were too scared to grab the end out of the tire when it was getting too full and my dad was too far away to grab it himself, causing the tire to explode. The loud noise nearly caused T-Bird and I to shit ourselves and for me to never trust compressed air of any kind again. I have been known to hide underneath the desk at the theatre when a CO2 bottle change is in process. I just always imagine it blowing up like on Jaws. The first time I had to change the bottle myself required a panicked phone call to Beetyke with him telling me that the noise I heard was just excess air escaping and that it was impossible for CO2 to blow up like in Jaws.

Speaking of things blowing up, I also have a fear of balloons. When I was younger, I was blowing one up when it popped and a piece went into my eye. My mom fished it out and I survived but I'm still not over it and hate them more than anything. I just don't trust them. Tonight at the theatre, this new kid blew one up and popped it right in front of me. I jumped really high and felt my heart stop. I also really wanted to cry.

I once had a dream where I was a corpse in the morgue and they were cutting off my toes. I don't know why, I had been watching a lot of CSI at Coke's house and was sleeping over. The fact that there was three of us lying in a row in Coke's basement also didn't make the morgue idea any less realistic. Ever since then, I always need to have my feet under the blankets when I sleep. Always. I can stand to have my toes peek out for about ten seconds at a time but then I think about someone grabbing them and I have to pull them back in. And if you watch TV shows that deal with corpses they normally show a body under a white sheet with the feet sticking out. It's weird! In lifeguard training, when I would be the victim and would have to go on the spine-board they would cover me with a blanket like we're supposed to but they wouldn't cover my feet. I nearly went crazy. If I was strapped in for a second longer than I was I probably would've snapped. If any of you have been strapped into a spine-board for any amount of time you probably know it is quite scary. I'm not completely claustrophobic but in a spine-board where you can't move any part of your body, I can't help but have a mental freak-out.

I'm not sure if this is really a fear, but I have this theory that when you kill a spider their ghost comes back to haunt you. It might sound bizarre, but the next time you kill a spider, you'll most likely feel a tingly, crawling sensation all over your body. Maybe it's just your mind, that's possible, but more than likely, it's the spider, getting back at you. I never kill spiders and never feel that sensation anymore. Ever since I thought of this theory, I have felt like a better person and have experienced less rainy days.

Again, wouldn't really consider this a fear but I am a bit freaked out by Vince Vaughn. Ever since I saw him in the remake of Psycho I haven't trusted him. He played the part a little too well if you ask me. I hope his wife keeps a weapon in the shower with her.

I'm supposed to say something about one of my coworkers, SassyPants. He is buying me a blizzard. Probably because he feels bad that I will now have to go through intense therapy from all the balloon popping tonight. I call him SassyPants because lately he has had quite the attitude. I always say I'm gonna fight him, too. But I won't while he is buying me ice cream. I now have him right where I want him.

I hope you have learned some helpful tips from this blog; look behind doors, don't kill spiders or trust Vince Vaughn and always keep your feet tucked in. After all, I am here to help. Not only my readers, but the household spiders of North America.

Keep it real, world. I'm out.

Could Really Use a Smile Cookie

Hello.

I should be in a good mood right now. I had an alright day. I have recently discovered the awesomeness of the show, 'Glee' and my mother and I have been watching it until 3 AM every night when I get home from work. On this brilliant show they did the song "Bust a Move" by Young MC. This moment in history changed my life. I have a new favorite song and have listened to it 50 times in the past two days. I keep finding myself home alone lately and have used this time to put my phone on the surround sound speakers in our living room and listen to it on repeat. I do not only listen, though, I sing and dance around in my pajamas like in an 80's music video. We recently took in my great-grandparent's overweight wiener dog who is my dog's sister. While parading around my upstairs in slippers my two dogs looked like they had seen this before much too many times while the new dog looked quite confused. So why would I not be in a good mood, you might ask. It would seem as if I've been having the time of my life busting it. And as I assure you, that has been quite enjoyable for me and the dogs, there are two problems with today.

1) I was supposed to get paid today by the pool but I have not been yet and it is passed 8 PM. Not only was I to get paid but I was to get a wage increase because I have now worked there for more than six months. But I keep checking my banking app and I have no new deposits. I only have $4.51 in my spending account! What is going on? I need money! I do not work with the no-phone lady for free! I am very uptight about my finances. Every payday I transfer money from my spending account to my savings account. You know, for emergencies and school and new shoes. I am very responsible. So yeah, I get a little ticked when the payroll people can't seem to do their jobs. I wonder if they've gotten paid today. Because in my opinion they don't deserve to be.

2) These people came to the theatre tonight and are going to complain to our head office about being late for their movie when they came five minutes before it started and had to wait in line because we were only doing one till since it was dead right until 6:55. It's not my fault that you're stupid! Leave your house sooner you wackjobs! Like oh my God, someone needs a smile cookie. And is that really the worst thing in your life? That you missed the previews to your crappy action sequel? Maybe you should be thankful that you are able to be such a tight-ass and complain about your own punctuality. I just hate it when people act stupid.

There's a fly flying into my face now. What the fuck, don't you know how to fly? Get outta here!

Ugh, I just hate everything and everyone right now. I could hulk smash something right now. But oh wait! If I wreck anything I don't have any money to pay to replace it!!! >:(

Oh yeah, and there was a chip in my windshield that started to crack on one of the hottest days in the summer and then cracked again out of that crack yesterday when it was snowing. It's hard enough for me to deal with the sudden changes in temperature and my windshield keeps cracking?! Next thing to crack is my sanity, which let's face it, is barely intact to begin with.

If only I lived in Glee and could just sing my troubles away. Or if I could just break out into song and some crunk dancing which would give me an excuse to beat a few people up.

The Sh*t I Say

Hey all you finger flickas! I hope y'all are having a decent Thanksgiving. I just finished my marathon of eating and let me tell you, I almost hit 'the wall'. A couple days after my last post they stopped serving smile cookies. I'm sure you all heard about the Tim Horton's that went up in flames a few weeks ago. Haha just kitten, yo. But I was very upset. I went through the drive through and ordered "two coffees and a smile cookie, please" and the girl doing drive through said "I'm sorry, ma'am, we stopped serving smile cookies two days ago." My first thought was 'what have I been doing for the past two days?' Out loud I said, "whaaaat?"  and then she asked "would you like a chocolate chunk cookie?" to this I replied, "NO!" WTF? Chocolate chunk cookie? With no smile? The only way I would've had one of those was if they painted a face on it with a mustache within the time it took me to drive up to the window. I almost cancelled the coffees just to make a statement but I was quite thirsty still.

Since it was indeed Thanksgiving, all of my friends were in town. This meant shit was gonna get fucked up. When I arrived at my friend's house who was hosting the party, everyone was sitting around the ping pong table doing shots. They were going to do 100 shots in 100 minutes. They were only about 20 or so in when I got there. I took my cherry whiskey out of my Spiderman backpack (yup, straight up baller) in order to mix it into my super big gulp of Dr. Pepper. I started drinking cherry whiskey because Beardy kept teasing me about all my "girly drinks". Yes, I am indeed a woman but I have dedicated the last year or so of my life trying to become a bro. Does that make it sound like I want a sex change? I don't. Anyways, I start pouring in my booze and get distracted by what someone is saying. I ended up pouring half of what was left in the bottle into my cup. I normally make drinks so that you can just barely taste the booze. But that drink tasted like cherry whiskey with a hint of Dr. Pepper. I then sat around the table with everyone and watched them take their shots. I would take a big sip every time the timer went off but I would also be drinking in between each shot.Coke was sick and so I didn't have my sidekick and before I start drinking I am a little shy. So I drank the whole thing within an hour which is considerably fast for a lightweight like myself. The next drink I made was Pepsi and vodka. The vodka was the Grey Goose I had used in my music video of Gnarly and that's what I thought about as I, once again, poured too much in. So as you can guess I was pretty tipsy. I laid on the floor for a while and did find a very shiny quarter so that's awesome. We all did that Gangnam Style dance when the song came on so that was also awesome. It was a pretty fun night and resulted in my throwing up four times the next morning. I left Seannanigans a voicemail at like 6:30 am but I couldn't even tell what I said in it. I just remember I was lying under the covers. The next day I was texting Seannanigans and I told him "Booty's booty, nigga" and it made me realize I am quite the wise person sometimes. I say really awesome stuff sometimes which brings me to the purpose of this post. I'm going to lay down a list of a few things I've said recently or in the past that I am quite proud to be quoted on.

-"There are two things in life that you just gotta be happy you have and not worry about how you got them; looty and booty."
           I said this after I told Seannanigans that "booty's booty, nigga". I was going for this whole pirate/                        straight-up G thing.

-"There's a difference between being conceited and thinking you're the fucking shit."
           Some of you might recognize this from one of my texts to Beetyke. I was pretty proud of myself on that one. P.S. I know that this statement is in fact false but is that gonna stop me from saying it? No.

-"Life is too short not to watch Gary Oldman."
           Best. Actor. Ever. I was trying to convince Beetyke to watch the movie Lawless because Beardy and I did the one night and it was simply AMAZING. New favorite movie.

-"High expectations=high disappointment."
           This is an actual quote that I am very proud of for making. I have learned this lesson quite a few times in my life. You can also change it to say "Low expectations=low disappointment" depending on the situation.

-"I never describe people as "cool". It's either awesome or possum."
            I said this to Beardy the other night when he said that I never agree with him as being cool. After I said it, I realized that is a good way of describing people...unless you really think possums are the shit.

-"Let me be me!!"
            I just said this tonight at Thanksgiving dinner when my brother asked why I would take another bun after I could barely eat anymore vegetables. I again repeated it when he asked why I butter the bun, pour gravy on it and then close it and eat it like a sandwich. P.S. the answer is because it's fucking delicious and tastes like Yorkshire pudding. Mmmmm...

So there you have it, some slivers of pure genius for each and every one of you. And you thought you had nothing to be thankful for! You always have me, man. #youarewelcome

May the Force be with you!

My Reinvention of Texting

So I'm up by myself and it's nearly 2 AM because I just got the fifth season of Private Practice. This show is so awesome. It's just like Grey's Anatomy, in fact, it was created by the same people who made Grey's Anatomy. I would just watch Grey's Anatomy but there are already so many seasons out that I don't know if I can catch up. And I don't like the looks of a lot of the characters in Grey's Anatomy. I don't know, I just think they look dumb. I wouldn't trust them with my life. Maybe if I got to know them a little better but for now I'll stick to my PP people. (haha yup, I did that on purpose) So anyways, I'm up and there's no chance of me falling asleep anytime soon because I had a large Tim Horton's triple triple a few hours ago. It's not the sugar or the caffeine that keeps me wide awake but the cream. Crazy stuff. (I don't even know what I'm talking about there. That's complete nonsense.) And I had a smile cookie. Have you had one? They are super good. Not only do all proceeds go to charity and all ingredients taste delicious but they have faces on them which make me happy for some reason. They would be better if they had mustaches on them though. I think I'll tell Mr. Horton. I'm sure he'll appreciate the suggestion. OMG! No-Shave November! That would be perfect! They would make so much in sales! I should really delete this brilliant idea so that none of you can steal it. Maybe I won't, I'm pretty sure that there are only three people who read this and I'm certain I can beat all of them up. 

Okay, I need to get on track here. So! A few months ago I made a post saying to leave me alone but in that same post I also promised a few different blog entries. One of those entries was called My Reinvention of Texting. One of them was also called My Grandma Calls Me Asshead. Haha maybe I'll do that one next. But let me explain my whole texting thing. 

I'm assuming that all of you have a cell phone. Like really, who doesn't now a days? Well there is one lady at the pool who doesn't have one but no one likes her so it's probably because she knows she wouldn't have any contacts. The thing most phones are used for is texting. I got a cell phone in the sixth grade but it was only for emergencies and no one else had one so I didn't really have anybody to text. But in grade seven almost everyone got a cell for Christmas. And that's when it started; the lol's, the jk's, the rofl's. It was new and awesome and entertaining. Most conversations were just a few messages back and forth of "hey" "sup?" "nothin. you?" "nothin" "so whatcha doin?" "nothin. you?" "nothin" "sweet" "yeah" "gtg" "see ya". If this happened between you and your 8th grade crush it was seriously magical. Like I mean heart-pounding, palm-sweating magic. But with anyone else it was just lame. Like time-wasting, eye-rolling lameness. And so, after about five years of the same old conversations I decided to spruce things up a bit. 

You know how I said that I would go to those Rock the Diploma courses? Well, before I had started my blog I went to one in January for physics. This included spending the entire weekend in the city with my father in a hotel. It was pretty much party time. Haha does that sound weird? I just felt like I was making it sound like it was going to be a dreadful time but it wasn't so bad. I'm my Daddy's princess. He even offered to take me to see Beauty and the Beast because it was currently playing in theatres in its 3D re-released version. But I said that we could see Contraband because I'm awesome like that. The only thing about staying with Big Poppa is that he snores. Really loudly. And he fall asleep super fast. Like he's probably the only one who can pass out faster than I can. He's also probably the only one who can eat faster than me. (Seriously, you look away for a minute and his plate is empty).  So I barely got any sleep the second night of my course which left me very overtired and cooky, much like I am now. So I sent this message to my brother, T-Bird.

He was still sleeping when I sent this first message so I started to send him multiple things until he woke up.

These are just some clips of our conversation with my new invention of "twexting". So far, I thought it was going over well. I decided to try some on Coke to see how they went over.   

So, at first she wasn't so keen on them but I think she got used to them. I also tried some on Beardy. At the beginning I don't think he really understood the point of them which made me giggle. Silly Beardy. What a blonde.

 

I wasn't talking about beating my dad up, if that's what you're thinking. I just cut out a few parts of the conversation because I knew you wouldn't care and didn't want to force you to fake it. I just thought some of these hashtags were humorous. 

The only thing about twexting was that I think it was a little bit ahead of it's time. Not everybody understood it. They weren't quite ready yet. I found these messages on my brother's phone in his conversation with our mom.

The thing was, though, that twexting kind of got into you. It started to get hard to resist. And they just couldn't fight the urge.

First they say they hate it and then they use it in casual conversation! Unbelievable. If any of you start to "twext" please credit me. If people ask where you came up with such a funny thing you can thank ADub.

Another way I made my "text life" more exciting was by sending my own memes. I'm sure many of you are familiar with memes. Little cartoon kind of pictures that people send in their texts in order to show emotions. (wow, I just came up with that definition on the spot) So when I was all good looking for my casual grad photos I took a bunch of self portraits on my phone and then used them in a conversation with one of my close friends, Beetyke. Beetyke and I used to work together and he is the darkest yet funniest person I know. I'm in love with him. Just kitten! But we are quite close.  

So the next time you're bored with your texting conversations just add in some little things to spice them up a bit. You can try attaching audio to your messages too. That might be fun! Sometimes Beardy sends me clips of him playing piano but it kind of pisses me off because I can't play piano but wish I could. I sent him a clip of me playing an acoustic version of Eye of the Tiger but he never commented on it so I'm not even sure if he listened to it. Fucking douche. Haha jk Beardy, you know we cool. But it is now 6:53 AM. My dad has already left for work. He was very shocked to see me still awake. He also said that he didn't want his smile cookie. He was like "well if you want it, you can have it  because--" and I was like "Okay! Pass it over!". And it was delicious. But I'd really like to fall asleep before the sun comes up! Ttyl!

May the Force be with you!

-RockAwesome   

That's Not My Name!

Hey Y'all!

I know it's been a while and you've all just been sitting around on your computers refreshing the page for hours, waiting to hear from me again. Well, I'M BAAAACK! I've been busy being Rock Awesome and cleaning my room and partying and teaching swimming lessons. What can I say? It's a hard-knock life for me.

Lately I've been complaining to my mother about my name. When I introduce myself, most people think I say Ashley. NO! It's AshLYNN. I normally emphasis the lynn and people still miss it. You know that song by The Ting Tings called That's Not My Name? If not, look it up right meow. Go on, YouTube it, I'll wait...You good? Okay. That song was written for me. It's the story of my life. Ask The Ting Tings, they'll agree. Well actually they'll probably say "who's Ashley?" >:( THAT'S NOT MY NAME! I normally only correct people when I figure that I'm going to see them again often. Sometimes I don't bother correcting people. In elementary school, when substitute teachers would mispronounce my name while checking attendance or the principal would hand out awards to the class, I'd often hear the rest of my classmates yell "It's Ashlynn!" after their mistake. I used to be pretty easy going about it. But after seventeen years, I've had enough!

The last party I went to was a kegger. So I was standing around watching all these crazy teens be held upside down in order to become super wasted when this guy asks me if I want to go next. "No way, man" is what I said. I ain't no crazy! He asks if he knows me and I say nope so he introduces himself. I shake his hand and say "I'm Ashlynn." And he says "nice to meet you, Ashley." The Ting Tings are just a singing in my head. So I said "sorry, it's actually AshLYNN". Luckily he heard me that time. I never even talked to him again so I guess that maybe my correcting him wasn't necessary.

Later the same night, this super wasted guy was hanging around me after accidentally kicking an empty beer box at my feet. I tried to lose him and distanced myself the second someone else came to talk to him. I had moved to the deck of the house and he soon found his way near by again. One of Beardy's friends came up to me and said "Ashlynn, have you seen Beardy?" I told him that no, I hadn't seen him in a while. Mr. Drunk had heard him use my name and soon I had "Ashley!" being yelled into my ear repeatedly in order to get my attention. You know what's more annoying than having someone yell your name over and over in your ear? Someone yelling the wrong name over and over again in your ear. I nearly bursted out into song. "They call me girl. They call me Stacey. They call me her. They call me Jane. That's not my name!"

At swimming lessons, I tell the kids my name but a lot of them don't remember it and just call me Teacher. Some kids know my name but have trouble pronouncing their 'l's so I'm either Teacher or Ashynn. I can't win. I was considering making up a fake swim instructor name kind of like how prostitutes make their own names. I've always thought of myself as a Fahlula. Not sure where I heard it but I think it fits my personality. It sounds kind of free-spirited and awesome. One time at work one of my coworkers almost called me Lyla. I had never thought of that for myself before. I named one of my friends' PT Cruiser Lyla (just another one of my side jobs) because it's a dark grey colour and a good friend of mine had told me that Lyla means 'dark beauty'. But with most kids having trouble pronouncing their 'l's names like Fahlula and Lyla don't really work. Maybe I'll just start going by Ash, like from Pokemon. Gotta catch 'em all!

For now I'll continue my struggle. And my theme song will remain the same. Four little words just to get me along...

May the Force be with you!

Fahlula/Lyla/Ashley/Ash

The Lost Blog

This post is called The Lost Blog because I tried uploading it a month or so ago when I actually did this and it wouldn't work. Feeling great frustration with technology, I saved it as a draft and left it. Never feeling the motivation to try another attempt again. UNTIL NOW...

So today my parents were out of town and my brother was still at work so I was home alone after school. This NEVER happens to me. Who knew that having a stay-at-home mom meant they'd be home ALL DAY, EVERYDAY? I swear sometimes I just want to run wild, blast music and spill stuff all over the floor but I can't...because my mom is there. Sometimes I get undressed for a shower and I'm like oh dang I left my hair brush upstairs. I could just run up and get it in my naked form but wait...mom's home. I guess I'll put on a towel...again! And then there's that time when I start getting really desperate and she's like "I'm going out to get the mail" and I'm thinking 'oh god, what should I do first? Dance with the dog? Throw away the leftovers I'm supposed to eat tonight? Rearrange all the living room furniture and make a fort? Lick all the spoons?' and right when I'm opening the cutlery drawer she's already back, a handful of envelopes and flyers, totally oblivious to the thoughts I just had. So anyways, I knew I had to spend my time today wisely. At first I played it cool. Laid on my bed listening to music and texting some friends. But I soon grew bored of this and felt like I was wasting my precious and rare time. And then a light beam shone through my window and directed my attention to the angelic gnome across the room.

In one of my option courses, we made a music video and so this, as well as my garden friend's beauty, inspired me to make one myself. The star would be Gnarly, the scene would be my home, the song would be Big Wheels by Down With Webster. I don't know why, but I barely had to give this any thought. It was almost as if my heart has been waiting to make a music video for this song and I only realized it today. I set up scenes, grabbed props and inspired Gnarles to act his best performance in this video. I'm hoping that if I show it to DWW they will like it and I can be their friend. Maybe I can even be hired to do a music video with them and Gnarly. Ooh! Wouldn't dat be cray? I seriously hope they see it and don't think I'm a total wackjob, even if that may be true. I am actually super proud of my work with this video. It only took me an hour to shoot all the footage by myself. Half of which was spent attempting to score a cup in beer pong. If I hadn't muted the clips you would be able to hear me cursing Gnarly for being too good.

Once finished the filming stage, I took the MacBook with me to the theatre in order to edit the footage. As well as practicing my great work ethic, I spent the night making the most wonderful music video of all time. I also posted the video on Facebook and received 7 likes thus far. Therefore, I consider the video to be a success. My coworkers and friends were quite impressed.

I also put it on my option teacher's computer desktop for him to see later. Haha hopefully it makes his day. It's not everyday you can say you've been hacked by a 3-foot gnome. 

I hope everybody likes it! If you see Down With Webster be sure to tell them about it! This is why I shouldn't be left alone for too long; too many mind-blowing things happen ;)

May the Force be with you!

-Ace and Gnarly

(Beardy called me Ace the other day and I thought it was so kick-ass. I am now using it with hopes that it catches on)

Kiss My Class Goodbye '12

Hello my lovely readers. I hope you are enjoying your summer. Actually I don't really care about your vacations because this blog is about me, not you. Can't say I'm not honest.

So during the last week of June it was my high school graduation. Well I guess it was my peers' graduation too but let's not pretend that you care about them more than me. It was an alright event. I wore a big ass dress and got my hair all done up. I looked ballin'. (In a way different than when I wear my Star Wars shirt. Speaking of which, the other day I was getting ready for work at the coolio poolio and pulled on my Empire Strikes Back shirt and just as I did so, my seventeenth alarm went off and played the Darth Vader theme song. It was fucking awesome. How awesome? Rock Mother Fucking Awesome. So awesome I feel the need to put vulgar terms in front of the word.)

All year I thought 'grad is stupid. Why are all these bitches so worked up about it?' I used to go to the meetings for the committee and sit in the back but they eventually kicked me out for laughing when they had throat-grabbing arguments trying to decide between red and burgundy. I'm sure some girls had their dresses at the end of grade nine and I thought that's insane, you've gained so much weight since then. (Haha you know I joke). Dress shopping for me was quite interesting. I've never had to stand with my butt available for the whole store to see while being laced up by an eastern man. I guess I need to get out more. I had told myself that I wanted a short dress. Not too short, just short enough to be like one of those tops you see on a hanger in a store and think 'is it a dress or a long shirt?' and I didn't want a purple one. I had already seen so many Facebook photos of girls in purple dresses.

We get to E-Town and start shopping and I finally found the perfect dress.

I know what you're thinking, that's one good looking date right there, and that looks a little purple and a little long. But it's actually considered 'wine' which my mom told me numerous times. And I had to go with a longer dress because City and Loodles both got short ones and I thought we'd look silly if we matched. So I took one for the team and told Melaney to buy it.

For my hair I really had no idea until like two days before grad when I found a picture of Jessica Alba I liked and sent it to my hair dresser. I have to say she earned her tip.

She braided my bangs and had them going into the low bun and put jeweled bobby pins in to bedazzle the do. 

It was then time to put on the dress for the night. My mom forgot to remind me to pee beforehand and I felt like a kid in a snowsuit for the next few hours. I am always the one who has to pee once you get on the highway or once I get in the pool. Always thinking 'oh yeah! That's what I was gonna do!'

While waiting to leave, Coke snapped some shots of me on our driveway with some of our vehicles.

Look at that beaut, and then there's some girl in front of it...

This is Big Poppa's Super Bee, he bought it for me to rest my arm on. ;p

I spent the night dancing and parading around in my dress. I changed out of my heels and into my Toms the first chance I got. The dress is now hanging on a nail in the unfinished part of our basement. It kind of looks like a ghost hanging from the ceiling, causing the shit to be scared out of my brother, T-Bird, and I as we went down to our rooms one night. 

The next day was our commencement ceremony where we received our diplomas. They had us fill out slips of paper asking what our future plans are a few months prior to the occasion. I had wrote 'waiting by the mailbox for my letter to Hogwarts' and they wouldn't allow it. I had to change it to 'to be successful and happy' which is super lame. This is after we listened to cliche speeches of Dr. Suess quotes and were told to be ourselves repeatedly. So really they want us to be ourselves but only under their conditions. I'm supposed to believe in myself but I can't be a wizard. I can't have a sense of humour and be goofy and enjoy this day that I only get once even after being instructed to 'be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.' 

Beardy, me, and my childhood friend, Seannanigans rocking the cap and gown. We look like wizards! Stupid school rules always messing with my mojo. 

Well I'd just like to say conGRADulations to all the other students who graduated this year. We are all rock mother fucking awesome! Class of 2012 FTW.  

May the Force be with you! 

-Ace