I know what you're thinking; 'Oh thank Lord Jebus! She's still alive!!'. Yes, I am still here and still Rock Awesome. I haven't blogged in a while because it is a part of my plan. You see, everyday that I don't blog I still have you crazy readers checking to see if I have blogged. So while I am busy raking in dough at my two part-time jobs, I am also increasing my pageviews rapidly. Haha! There is a method to my madness!
So what's up? Not too much with me. I bought a new toothbrush! This was quite exciting for me. When Beardy used to work at the drugstore he phoned me at like 9:30 PM and said that he bought me a present. I was so excited that I ran out to meet him at the driveway and he handed me a bag with a toothbrush in it. Now, I know that sounds weird. Like some of you are probably thinking I've never had a toothbrush before or that my breath stinks and Beardy was trying to tell me something but that is not the case. I have very pearly whites. The exciting thing about this toothbrush is that it was a Star Wars toothbrush and it lit up and flashed like a lightsaber!!!!!!!!!!!! It was the coolest toothbrush I've ever owned. This meant that I could brush my teeth in the dark!!! I was so excited that the next day I went to brush and I flicked the lights off. This would have worked better if I wasn't half crazy and didn't have multiple voices in my head. This is how the conversation in my head sounded:
Normal Ashlynn: Oh my god, brushing my teeth with no lights on! But I can still see cause my tooth brush is really a light saber.
Psycho Ashlynn: Isn't this how you're supposed to do Bloody Mary? With the lights off, in front of the mirror?
Normal Ashlynn: Ahh! Okay forget that, I'm brushing my teeth in the dark and it's super awesome. This is how Jedis brush their teeth.
Pyscho Ashlynn: Just say it three times and spin around.
Normal Ashlynn: Don't listen to her. She's Darth Vader, you're Luke Skywalker. Don't go to the dark side.
Psycho Ashlynn: Bloody Mary.
Normal Ashlynn: LA LA LA LA LA can't hear you over my super awesome teethbrushing!
Psycho Ashlynn: Bloody Mary.
Normal Ashlynn: Stop! Just stop thinking about it!
Pyscho Ashlynn: Bloody Mary.
Normal Ashlynn: I will turn these lights back on.
Psycho Ashlynn: Bloody Mary! Bloody Mary! Bloody Mary! Bloody Mary! Bloody Mary!
Normal Ashlynn: Ahhhh! *flicks lights on*
And that was the end of brushing my teeth in the dark. It really sucks when I ruin things for myself. After that toothbrush pretty much wore out I bought another Star Wars toothbrush from the drugstore but this one didn't light up. It just had Yoda on it. And then I finally wore out that toothbrush so I bought a grown up toothbrush from walmart the other day. It's an electric one with a tongue brusher and everything. The thing about this toothbrush is that I've been using kids toothbrushes for a while now and this one is an adult's so it's almost hurting my mouth with those little scrubber things. The head of it is twice the size of the Star Wars ones so I have to kind of stretch my jaw out. Does this sound dirty? A little bit, hey? You perverts. I'm just talking about oral hygiene here.
So yeah, that's really all I have to say... I hope you guys brush your teeth often. Don't worry about flossing though, I don't and I'm fine.
May the Floss be with you!
Wednesday 28 November 2012
Saturday 10 November 2012
Water Noggins
I realize I haven't blogged in quite a while now and I apologize. I'm sorry that your own lives are so super lame that you look to my utterly boring one for entertainment. All I've been doing is working...and watching Glee. We just finished the third season, where most of them graduate. I will admit, I found this graduation more meaningful than my own. I didn't even feel sad at my own graduation but I was on the verge of tears during this episode. Since all I've been doing is working lately I've decided I will tell you about it.
Part of my job at the pool is to teach swimming lessons. I don't mind it most of the time as long as I'm not teaching level 1 or level 2. Why? Because you always get that one kid who is afraid of water and ruins your whole lesson plan. Any parents reading this, please take your kids swimming before they start going into swimming lessons and throw them in a couple times so that they learn they aren't going to die every time their face gets splashed. The urge to dunk kids under is one I often find myself fighting. The best part about teaching kids is that they say the darned-est things sometimes.
On PFD day we ask the kids who should wear a lifejacket. I always say "Should mom wear a lifejacket?" and they yell "YES!" and then I say "Should dad wear a lifejacket?" and normally they say "YES!" but with my one class this boy said "my dad died from smoking." ... ooh awkward ... He said it in such a matter-of-fact voice I had no idea how to respond. I finally just said "if he were here would he wear a lifejacket?" and he said "YES!" phew!
One of the games we play is Simon Says. I mostly use this as a time-waster game. In one of my preschool classes I said "okay, lets do a game of Simon Says before hot tub!" and then this boy starts spouting out instructions. He was like "Okay! Put your ear in! Jump up and down! Spin around!" I was just staring at him like whaaa? I had no idea why his whole face lit up when I suggested the game either. And then I remembered, his name was Simon.
The other day I was teaching a level 5/6/7 and I was getting in the water with them about 2/3rds through the lesson. As I slipped into the water, one girl said "what are you gonna do? Are you gonna drown us?" I was like "yeah I'm gonna push you under." And she said "really?" I wanted to be like what the hell is wrong with you? Do you not know what a lifeguard does? It is the complete opposite of drowning people! I was like "NO!"
I am normally alright dealing with kids but in some situations I find myself wondering what the fuck they want me to do. For instance, I once had a girl knock on the office door and tell me that her tooth was loose. She was probably 9 or 10 and so I said is it bleeding or anything? And she said no. I had to fight back the words, 'then why the hell are you in the doorway stealing away from my cake-eating time?' I asked if she wanted me to rip it out and she was like NO! So I said well you can either go swim or I'll go get the pliers. She looked rather appalled but like I said wtf do you want me to do about it? She walked into the girl's change room and I went back to my seat in the office. Not even two minutes later the girl has come through the change room to the front counter holding her tooth in her hand with blood on her fingers. One of the older lifeguards yelled "can somebody grab a sandwich baggy?" And I looked to see her standing there. I said "you actually pulled it out?" And she said "you told me to!" This caused my coworkers to look at me in a way that said 'how could you?' And a voice in my head said "Ashlynn, you've got some 'splainin to do!" I would like to point out that she got five bucks for that tooth and refused to give me any sort of cut.
When I'm guarding I always get little girls coming up to me and telling me that someone was being mean to them. Honestly I just want to tell them that maybe if they weren't such a tattle-tale more people would like them. But I normally just say go play somewhere away from them and tell me if they bother you again. Works like a charm because normally by the time something else happens I'm not on deck anymore.
A lot of you probably think I'm not a very good lifeguard and to this I say 'If you think you can do better, be my guest.'
That's all folks!
May the Force be with you!
Part of my job at the pool is to teach swimming lessons. I don't mind it most of the time as long as I'm not teaching level 1 or level 2. Why? Because you always get that one kid who is afraid of water and ruins your whole lesson plan. Any parents reading this, please take your kids swimming before they start going into swimming lessons and throw them in a couple times so that they learn they aren't going to die every time their face gets splashed. The urge to dunk kids under is one I often find myself fighting. The best part about teaching kids is that they say the darned-est things sometimes.
On PFD day we ask the kids who should wear a lifejacket. I always say "Should mom wear a lifejacket?" and they yell "YES!" and then I say "Should dad wear a lifejacket?" and normally they say "YES!" but with my one class this boy said "my dad died from smoking." ... ooh awkward ... He said it in such a matter-of-fact voice I had no idea how to respond. I finally just said "if he were here would he wear a lifejacket?" and he said "YES!" phew!
One of the games we play is Simon Says. I mostly use this as a time-waster game. In one of my preschool classes I said "okay, lets do a game of Simon Says before hot tub!" and then this boy starts spouting out instructions. He was like "Okay! Put your ear in! Jump up and down! Spin around!" I was just staring at him like whaaa? I had no idea why his whole face lit up when I suggested the game either. And then I remembered, his name was Simon.
The other day I was teaching a level 5/6/7 and I was getting in the water with them about 2/3rds through the lesson. As I slipped into the water, one girl said "what are you gonna do? Are you gonna drown us?" I was like "yeah I'm gonna push you under." And she said "really?" I wanted to be like what the hell is wrong with you? Do you not know what a lifeguard does? It is the complete opposite of drowning people! I was like "NO!"
I am normally alright dealing with kids but in some situations I find myself wondering what the fuck they want me to do. For instance, I once had a girl knock on the office door and tell me that her tooth was loose. She was probably 9 or 10 and so I said is it bleeding or anything? And she said no. I had to fight back the words, 'then why the hell are you in the doorway stealing away from my cake-eating time?' I asked if she wanted me to rip it out and she was like NO! So I said well you can either go swim or I'll go get the pliers. She looked rather appalled but like I said wtf do you want me to do about it? She walked into the girl's change room and I went back to my seat in the office. Not even two minutes later the girl has come through the change room to the front counter holding her tooth in her hand with blood on her fingers. One of the older lifeguards yelled "can somebody grab a sandwich baggy?" And I looked to see her standing there. I said "you actually pulled it out?" And she said "you told me to!" This caused my coworkers to look at me in a way that said 'how could you?' And a voice in my head said "Ashlynn, you've got some 'splainin to do!" I would like to point out that she got five bucks for that tooth and refused to give me any sort of cut.
When I'm guarding I always get little girls coming up to me and telling me that someone was being mean to them. Honestly I just want to tell them that maybe if they weren't such a tattle-tale more people would like them. But I normally just say go play somewhere away from them and tell me if they bother you again. Works like a charm because normally by the time something else happens I'm not on deck anymore.
A lot of you probably think I'm not a very good lifeguard and to this I say 'If you think you can do better, be my guest.'
That's all folks!
May the Force be with you!
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