Hey all you finger flickas! I hope y'all are having a decent Thanksgiving. I just finished my marathon of eating and let me tell you, I almost hit 'the wall'. A couple days after my last post they stopped serving smile cookies. I'm sure you all heard about the Tim Horton's that went up in flames a few weeks ago. Haha just kitten, yo. But I was very upset. I went through the drive through and ordered "two coffees and a smile cookie, please" and the girl doing drive through said "I'm sorry, ma'am, we stopped serving smile cookies two days ago." My first thought was 'what have I been doing for the past two days?' Out loud I said, "whaaaat?" and then she asked "would you like a chocolate chunk cookie?" to this I replied, "NO!" WTF? Chocolate chunk cookie? With no smile? The only way I would've had one of those was if they painted a face on it with a mustache within the time it took me to drive up to the window. I almost cancelled the coffees just to make a statement but I was quite thirsty still.
Since it was indeed Thanksgiving, all of my friends were in town. This meant shit was gonna get fucked up. When I arrived at my friend's house who was hosting the party, everyone was sitting around the ping pong table doing shots. They were going to do 100 shots in 100 minutes. They were only about 20 or so in when I got there. I took my cherry whiskey out of my Spiderman backpack (yup, straight up baller) in order to mix it into my super big gulp of Dr. Pepper. I started drinking cherry whiskey because Beardy kept teasing me about all my "girly drinks". Yes, I am indeed a woman but I have dedicated the last year or so of my life trying to become a bro. Does that make it sound like I want a sex change? I don't. Anyways, I start pouring in my booze and get distracted by what someone is saying. I ended up pouring half of what was left in the bottle into my cup. I normally make drinks so that you can just barely taste the booze. But that drink tasted like cherry whiskey with a hint of Dr. Pepper. I then sat around the table with everyone and watched them take their shots. I would take a big sip every time the timer went off but I would also be drinking in between each shot.Coke was sick and so I didn't have my sidekick and before I start drinking I am a little shy. So I drank the whole thing within an hour which is considerably fast for a lightweight like myself. The next drink I made was Pepsi and vodka. The vodka was the Grey Goose I had used in my music video of Gnarly and that's what I thought about as I, once again, poured too much in. So as you can guess I was pretty tipsy. I laid on the floor for a while and did find a very shiny quarter so that's awesome. We all did that Gangnam Style dance when the song came on so that was also awesome. It was a pretty fun night and resulted in my throwing up four times the next morning. I left Seannanigans a voicemail at like 6:30 am but I couldn't even tell what I said in it. I just remember I was lying under the covers. The next day I was texting Seannanigans and I told him "Booty's booty, nigga" and it made me realize I am quite the wise person sometimes. I say really awesome stuff sometimes which brings me to the purpose of this post. I'm going to lay down a list of a few things I've said recently or in the past that I am quite proud to be quoted on.
-"There are two things in life that you just gotta be happy you have and not worry about how you got them; looty and booty."
I said this after I told Seannanigans that "booty's booty, nigga". I was going for this whole pirate/ straight-up G thing.
-"There's a difference between being conceited and thinking you're the fucking shit."
Some of you might recognize this from one of my texts to Beetyke. I was pretty proud of myself on that one. P.S. I know that this statement is in fact false but is that gonna stop me from saying it? No.
-"Life is too short not to watch Gary Oldman."
Best. Actor. Ever. I was trying to convince Beetyke to watch the movie Lawless because Beardy and I did the one night and it was simply AMAZING. New favorite movie.
-"High expectations=high disappointment."
This is an actual quote that I am very proud of for making. I have learned this lesson quite a few times in my life. You can also change it to say "Low expectations=low disappointment" depending on the situation.
-"I never describe people as "cool". It's either awesome or possum."
I said this to Beardy the other night when he said that I never agree with him as being cool. After I said it, I realized that is a good way of describing people...unless you really think possums are the shit.
-"Let me be me!!"
I just said this tonight at Thanksgiving dinner when my brother asked why I would take another bun after I could barely eat anymore vegetables. I again repeated it when he asked why I butter the bun, pour gravy on it and then close it and eat it like a sandwich. P.S. the answer is because it's fucking delicious and tastes like Yorkshire pudding. Mmmmm...
So there you have it, some slivers of pure genius for each and every one of you. And you thought you had nothing to be thankful for! You always have me, man. #youarewelcome
May the Force be with you!
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